Funny Facebook & Twitter Status Updates - Page 4
thinks that if atheism is a religion, then not collecting stamps is a hobby.
is getting that Deja Fu feeling... That that somehow, somewhere, he's been kicked in the head like this before.
knows that some people say that he must be a horrible person, but that's not true. I have the heart of a young boy -- in a jar on my desk.
is wondering if he had everything, where would he keep it?
is reflecting that the cost of living hasn't affected it's popularity.
wonders if you ever noticed that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
thinks it's odd that people justify deer heads on their walls by saying they're beautiful animals. Hmmm.... I think my wife is beautiful.
says let's make February 15th OUR valentines day.
says there is someone for everyone but wasn't really thinking about you.
says don't worry... it's not contagious.
says, "you make me feel dead inside"... Happy Valentines Day
says on this Valentines days... Please don't make me choose between you and porn.
already killed some helpless flowers for you... what else do you want?
loves Valentines day, where nookie is only a box of chocolates away.
wants to remind you that nothing says "I love you" more than somebody else's words mass produced on re-cycled paper.
says nothing is more romantic than letting you know that I love you... via this Facebook Status update.
says, Roses are Red, Violets are Blue, It's Valentines Day, And I have a hangnail.
is honoured to just be nominated.
would like to thank you, my fans. Without you none of this would have been possible.
is nominated as best supporting actor in a documentary of a documentary.
would like to thank Lynard Skynard for not releasing an album.
is nominated for best performance by an actor in the role of a robot, pirate or ninja
is nominated for best adaptation of a boring life
is nominated for best actor not playing a retard, drunk, or insane person
thinks Sarah Palin should win for best actor playing a retard, drunk or insane person.
would like to thank the academy
is nominated for best portrayal of status update.
should win best performance in pretending to understand the ending of No Country For Old Men
says, "This too shall pass gas."
doesn't want you to die before he gets the chance to kill you himself.
is hoping that he doesn't have to Bitch Slap anybody on the bus tonight.
thinks nothing is better than pooing at work...you're getting paid to poo!
dodge-duck-dip-dive & dodge.
is worried about the Asian market: Origami Bank folded; Bonsai Bank's cutting back it's branches; Kamikaze Bank nose dived; 500 staff at Karate Bank got chopped.
tastes purple.
is boxing in the Smart Car parked in his spot. Not so smart now are you!? Mr. Smarty smart car!
thinks if monkeys stopped flinging around so much poop, that more people would eat them.
should be president! My name is NAME and I approve this message.
tastes great... is less filling... tastes great...
melts in your mouth, not in your hands.
is good to the last drop.
is magically delicious.
contains calcium, something your body uses anyways.
is cuckoo for cocoa puffs.
is lovn'n it!
is asking... "Can you hear me now?"
sometimes feels like a nut... sometimes he don't.
takes a licking and keeps on ticking.
keeps going and going and going...
has been informed... he has bankers... ahhh!
tastes awful, but he works!
is kid tested, mother approved.
is strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.
likes his coffee crisp!
is finger lick'n good!
is grrrrrrreat!
is an ancient Chinese secret
wants YOU!
Frosty...
can't wait to watch his favourite Christmas movie, "The Christmas That Almost Wasn't Due To Santa's Urinary Tract Infection"
is looking forward to the new Christmas special, "A Creepy, Creepy Christmas with Michael Jackson"
may not be the real Santa, but that doesn't mean I haven't seen you while you're sleeping.
is chugging NyQuil until sugar plums really are dancing in my head
is making "fruitcakes" out of stuff I find under my sofa cushions.
is eating her weight in figgy pudding
is inviting you to tickle her Elmo.
hated Christmas! The whole Christmas season! Now, please don't ask why. No one quite knows the reason.
is still trying to figure out what "police nabbed my dad" has to do with Christmas.
wonders that if Christmas, Father's Day and birthdays did not exist, then aftershave too, would not exist.
will update her Facebook status for money!
is so broke that she's going to KFC to lick other peoples fingers.
is so poor that she got married for the rice.
can't even afford the last letter to update her statu_!
is so broke that she went to the bank for a loan and they asked for their calender back.
is so poor that she can't even afford to pay attention.
is so broke that she had to eat her cereal with a fork to save on milk.
is so poor she can't even give you her two cents!
is so broke that she can't afford to be wrong.
wonders if she can qualify for a government bailout package?
can see Alaska from her house.
is on a bridge to nowhere!
needs somebody to answer for me, what is it exactly that the VP does every day?
• is a pitbull with lipstick
• is gosh darn, a hockey mom, you betcha' wink wink
• says "hey you Russian... Shew shew... You can't stay in Alaska"
• told congress, "Thanks but no Thanks"
• is the mayor of Alaska, I can do whatever I want until the courts tell me I can't.
• knows what the Bush Doctrine is. It's just that in Alaska, we call him the gardener.
• 's e-mail account has been hacked by Sarah Palin!
• thinks calling you Joe 6-Pack is endearing not derogatory, gosh darn'.
• has got her heels on and her gloves off.
• is sad to report that at Toys R Us today, a Sarah Palin doll shot My Little Pony. :(
understands that hard work has a future payoff but Laziness pays off now.
thought he wanted a career, turns out I just wanted a pay-cheque
is just working here until a good fast food job opens up....
sees Chaos. Panic. Disorder. My work here is done
pretends to work. They pretend to pay me.
thinks ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
thinks work is for people who don't know how to fish!
just wants less to do, more time to do it, and higher pay for not getting it done.
is thinking that this isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
's co-workers think he's a hard worker because they hear all this typing on Facebook!
childproofed his house, but they still get in.
is still hot. It just comes in flashes.
thinks at her age, "getting lucky" means finding her car in the parking lot.
's reality cheque just bounced.
is not 50. I'm $49.95 plus tax.
says Buckle up. It makes it harder for the aliens to snatch you from your car.
is not a snob. I'm just better than you are.
says keep staring....I may do a trick.
is DANGEROUSLY under-medicated.
washes her mouth out with chocolate every time she hears the word "exercise".
a sauvignon with a perfume of piña coladas, an overly sweet riesling and a chardonnay so oaky it tasted as if it
had been aged in a box of No. 2 pencils.
a nonvintage tawny port that reminded me of long-abandoned Halloween candy, with hints of Skittles and off-brand caramels.
delightful, barrel-aged, full bodied, with distinct pineapple & honeysuckle aromas; good blend of wood & fruit with a hint of sweetness.
rich & fruity, underpinned by a generous amount of smoky oak; nice structured tannins penetrating ripe cherry nuances
elegant, yet approachable; peppery with a cherry aroma and hints of chocolate, rounded out by a great balance of oak & tannins
intense, a purple red color, cherries, plums, cedar, vanilla, well-structured & complex, rich with smooth tannins & deeply flavored
a luscious pure pleasure. Black cherry, and tobacco notes burst into textured fruit flavors followed by spicy black pepper and well-defined beautiful finish.
an inviting bowl of plump & juicy sweet berries with a splash of shiraz. Exciting, off-dry and enjoyed at room temperature or chilled on a warm summer day
very elegant, fresh style, combines a subtle oak spice with tobacco, dark chocolate and a hint of autumn dry-leaf aromas in the background.
Well-structured with a velvety smooth palate and firm mature tannin. Serve with roast duck breast.
has both intensity and concentration. A wild berry core is enhanced with hints of chocolate and mossy earthiness. A mid-weight wine, slightly tart and not too heavy
will be here all week. Thank-you. Thank-You Very much!
knows your jealous because the voices are talking to him and not you.
wonders... What is the speed of dark?
has too much blood in his caffeine system.
has calculated that half of his Facebook friends are below average.
is being spontaneous... tomorrow.
is joining the army. He hears it's a great way to meet people. Then kill them.
wants to remind you that it's even worse then you think.
didn't say it was your fault... I'm just blaming you...
is going around telling people that you're really 46
Says touch your head. Touch your nose. NAME didn't say touch your nose.
is really tired of kidney stones
smells better than he tastes
often rambles on and on about this and that seeming to be heading towards a point but really just blabbing
about nothing.
has a clear conscience or was that a bad memory?
is modest and proud of it!
is boycotting shampoo and demanding real poo!
was reviewing your profile but couldn't turn the suck down!
is a vegetarian, not because he loves animals but because he hates plants!
wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.
better than Ezra
typing feverishly on his Blackberry pretending to do work but really updating his Facebook status
the guy who stole the frigg'n cookie from the cookie jar. Now shutup!
pleased to meet you. Hope you guessed my name.
being recalled by Fisher Price because he may contain traces of led paint
stomping his feet because he's happy and he knows it.
going..... and going..... and going..... and going....
sdrawkcab gnipyT
inviting you to play with his touchscreen.
secretly hoping the video he and Paris made last night is released on TMZ
lost in translation
writing a paper called "Sex and Pregnancy: A Possible Connection"
presenting his thesis on "E=MC3: That's Right, Einstein, I Said Cubed!"
being interviewed on his new novel "Sweet and Sour Pork: How Can It Be Both? At The Same Time?"
Gathering research for his essay, "Lincoln: The Man, The President, The Town Car"
Wondering if his new research grant will accept his thesis, "Whoops!: I Blew My $800,000 Research Grant At The
MGM Grand Casino"
Pondering the scientific evidence to support the claim "Kraft Macaroni & Cheese: So Cheesy, It Should Be Called 'Kraft Cheese & Macaroni'"
reviewing extensive analysis on the topic "There Sure Are A Lot of 'Smiths' In The Phone Book, Dude"
writing his final paper called "The Isotope Conjecture: A Fake Title So My Wife Won't Look Inside Here and See My Letters To Penthouse Forum"
a bit disappointed he didn't win the Nobel Prize as evidenced by his book "Why The People Who Award The Nobel Prize Are A Bunch Of Jerks"
doing scientific research on "Gravity: The Devil's Tool"
shaking it like a polaroid picture
shaken not stirred
brought to you by the letters W T F
raging against the machine!
taking his sugar with coffee and creme
currently out of his mind but please feel free to leave a message
the one that put a hole in the ozone layer
drinking in a box, NAME is drinking with a Fox, NAME will drink green beer and Rum, NAME will drink them till he's numb...
is the reason the chicken crossed the road
NAME is...
with your girlfriend.
filmed before a live stuido audience
trapped in the facebook status message textbox; send help!
not the droid you're looking for.
not your friend.
finding your lack of faith disturbing
sensing something; a presence he hasn't felt since...
better than you.
not for everyone. Clinical tests show that he may cause nausea, fatigue, and kidney or liver problems. Ask your doctor if he is right for you
gonna kick your rear end from here to Tienanmen Square.
made of meat. Your whole family is made of meat
a lumberjack and he's okay. He drinks all night and works all day
the second coming
the patron saint of quality footwear.
certain that in the topsy-turvy world of heavy rock, having a good solid piece of wood in your hand is often useful.
wondering how far is all the way, and then if it stops, what's stopping it, and what's behind what's stopping it? So, what's the end, you know, is my question.
thinking that as long as there's, you know, sex and drugs, he can do without the rock and roll.
sure he'd feel much worse if he weren't under such heavy sedation
raising a practical question at this point? Are we gonna do "Stonehenge" tomorrow?
a believer of everything he reads. It makes him a more selective person.
one louder. Isn't he?
saying love your brother. He's not literally saying it. He's not literally meaning it. But he's not a racist. That message should be clear anyways.
disappointed with the opening band. The crowd was still booing them when he went on stage.
sad his friend died in a bizarre gardening accident. Authorities said... best leave it... unsolved.
sure that they misunderestimated me!
adamant that if we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure!
on a mission because for every fatal shooting, there were roughly three non-fatal shootings and, folks, this is unacceptable in America!
positive that the human being and fish can coexist peacefully.
believing in what I believe — I believe what I believe is right.
not wanting to sound like I have made no mistakes. I'm confident I have. I'm not as quick on my feet as I should be in coming up with one.
just wanting you to know that, when we talk about war, we're really talking about peace.
letting you know, fool me once, shame on you. Fool me — you can't get fooled again!
aware that our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we.
agonizing that too many OB-GYNs aren't able to practice their love with women all across this country.
reminding you, teach a child to read, and he or her will be able to pass a literacy test
having the best day of my life, and I owe it all to not going to Church!
assuring you that it's not easy juggling a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to squeeze in 8 hours of Facebook a day.
going to miss you so much. And it's not just the sex. It's also the food preparation.
known for his motivational skills. Everyone always says they have to work twice as hard when I'm around!
sure that if there's one thing America needs, it's more lawyers.
, unlike most of you, not a nut!
in awe! Reading and writing actually paid off!
wondering, what's the point of going out, we're just going to end up back here anyway!
going to the backseat of my car with the woman I love, and I won't be back for TEN MINUTES.
wondering when will he ever learn... The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on Facebook
sponge worthy
a close talker
a low talker
master of his domain
all real and they are spectacular
not able to spare a square
yada yada yada
a bad breaker-upper
bubble boy
stab worthy
NAME is...
the new Black
the devil you know
the lesser of 2 evils
yesterday's news
thinking inside the box because too many people are thinking outside the box.
a deadman walking
easier said then done
his own worst enemy
rushing in where angels fear to tread
knowing nothing and doubting nothing
having his cake and eating it too
NAME is...
Sure he'd feel worse if he wasn't so heavily sedated
A box of chocolates
magically delicious
made with 10% real juice!
a Toys R Us kid
the Prince of Belair
eating a Chiquita
made with calcium. Something your body needs anyways
insignificant next to the power of the force
dancing with the stars
master of his domain
NAME is...
pretty fly for a white guy
in a gadda da vida baby
psycho,-somatic addict, insane
wasting away down in Margaritaville
cruising the seas for American gold. we'd fire no guns. shed no tears. now i am a broken man on a Halifax pier.
the last of Barrett's Privateers
selling Peace but who's buying?
stomping his feet because he's happy and he knows it and he really wants to show it
a picker, a grinner, a lover and a sinner, play'n his music in the sun
tragically hip
doing the HUSTLE! doo du doo du doo du doo doo...
a well thought out twinkle
so sick from the drink I need home for a rest
bringing sexy back
bringing sexy back... to the store for a refund
rock n rolling all night long and partying every day
more human than human
tubthumping
bananas. B - A - N -A -N -A - S
elegantly wasted
dazed and confused for so long it's not true
afraid of Americans
so vain. He probably thinks this status is about him.
NAME is...
reading other statuses but your status is important to him. Please stay online and your status will be read in priority sequence. Approximate wait time 17 min
very very very slee
Right BEHIND YOU! Boo!
going around the house and renaming things so they all start with an "i" before Apple does it... such as his iToaster, his iToilet, and his iKids and iWife.all set...
Beer, Golf Clubs, Fising Rods, Tackle, shades, Tunes... Casual Fridays here I come!
the guy who put the laughter in manslaughter
to sexy for this status
bringing sexy back... to the store for a refund!
hip to your jive talk
dy-no-mite
wondering what will happen if he touches the red wire with the green wir#*&GB
the guy who put the FUN in dysfunctional
an undercover cop
calculating pi
America's next top model!
updating his Facebook status
plans on dressing up as Kanye West for Halloween and just before the kids yell "Trick or Treat", jump out of the bushes and yell "Christmas is better".
wants to remind you this Halloween, that as a general rule, don't solve riddles that open portals to Hell.
warns you this Halloween to beware of strangers bearing strange tools like chainsaws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, and band saws.
will have on his tomb stone, "See I told you I was SICK!"
is going to dress up as Kanye West and show up at Taylor Swift's house this Halloween.
hopes this Halloween, he doesn't end up with a bag full of restraining orders again.
wonders if he's getting old, or if others also ask for high fibre candy only on Halloween?
forgot to buy candy for the kids this Halloween but will offer them a bite of his sandwich.
hopes nobody else dresses up as Justus von Liebig, Father of biochemistry who recorded minerals in plant ash and proposed the law of minimum.
wonders if Lady Gaga dresses up as a normal person for Halloween???
Kanye West...
is interrupting Patrick Swayze's death to say that Michael Jackson's death was better.
would like to interrupt this Facebook status to tell you that Beyonce should have won best female video at the VMA's.
on the seventh day, took a break from creating the universe and rested.
wakes up every morning and experiences an exquisite joy – the joy of being Kanye West – and I ask myself in rapture: What wonderful things this Kanye West is going to accomplish today?
finds himself fascinating!
is a HUGE admirer of my own work and that of Beyonce's.
finds himself screaming for JOY when he sees himself in the mirror.
notices that the longer I live the more I see that I am never wrong about anything, and have only wasted my time debating any issue.
has three words for you: "BEYONCE for PRESIDENT!"
is so amazing that if I went to a bar... I'd pick myself up!
Is pissed off at Taylor Swift for interrupting his tirade on why Beyonce's video is the best video of all time.
lives vicariously... through himself.
once had an awkward moment just to see how it feels.
's reputation is expanding faster than the universe.
is the most interesting man in the world.
can speak French in Russian..
, my friends, is indeed.... THAT man.
's charm is so contagious that a vaccine was created for it.
's legend precedes him, like lightning precedes thunder.
was asked by Alien abductors to have him probe them
is a lover not a fighter, but he's also a fighter so don't get any ideas.
is going to help fight continental drift.
is stamping out, eliminating and abolishing redundancy!
fought the lawn and the lawn won.
knows it all. I just can't remember it all at once.
lives in his own little world, but it's OK — they know me here.
suffers occasional delusions of adequacy.
trys to make everyone's day a little more surreal.
is a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I'm perfect.
is not an actor, but I play one on TV.
has had fun before. This isn't it.
is wondering if less means more, then think how much more, would more be?
can't stand, it's intolerance.
says if things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me.
is dyslexic which means never having to say that you're yrros.
says dyslexics of the world, UNTIE!
stopped to think and forget to start again?
thinks everyone hates me because I'm paranoid.
thinks that friends help you move but real friends help you move bodies.
is geting behind early so he can have plenty of time to catch up
says "Give me ambiguity or give me something else."
Got milked?
thinks that happiness is a failure to understand how bad things really are.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
NAME...
says it's been a business doing pleasure with you.
is frustrated that he knows all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask him the questions.
says last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky, and I thought to myself, "Where is the ceiling?!"
notices that nobody ever says, "It's only a game" when their team is winning.
says "Oh no, not another learning experience!"
has seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
woke up screaming realizing he hadn't fallen asleep yet.
This line intentionally left unjustified.
thinks this would be really funny if it weren't happening to me.
has calculated that three out of four Facebook contacts make up 75% of his friends list
Is starting to think that today is the tomorrow he worried about yesterday.