Funny Facebook & Twitter Status Updates - Page 1
[your name] changed his profile picture. Now he looks a little less ugly.
Ben was tagged in a picture. Ben added a comment “that’s not me”. Cindey added a comment “then who is it next to the girl in the bikini?” Ben changed
his relationship status to single.
[your name] added the “are you interested in a stalker” application
[your name] joined facebook. [your name] sent 12,287 messages to random women. [your name] left facebook.
[your name] commented on his photo “you are amazing”
[your name] is staring at his facebook waiting for messages to arrive.
[your name] wants to make a jigsaw puzzle that’s 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says ‘go outside.’
[your name] wonders what the word for dots looks like in braille
[your name] is loving and hating facebook - On the downside, it’s loaded with sexual predators. On the plus side, it’s also loaded with sexual prey.
[your name] went into a clothes store and a lady came up to him and said “if you need anything, I’m Jill”. he’s never met anyone with a conditional identity
before.
[your name]’s favorite fruit is grapes. Because with grapes, you always get another chance. ‘Cause, you know, if you have a crappy apple or a peach, you’re stuck
with that crappy piece of fruit. But if you have a crappy grape, no problem - just move on to the next. ‘Grapes: The Fruit of Hope.
[your name] was making pancakes the other day and a fly flew into the kitchen. And that’s when he realized that a spatula is a lot like a fly-swatter. And a crushed fly is a
lot like a blueberry. And a roommate is a lot like a fly eater.
[your name] used to play sports. Then he realized you can buy trophies. Now he’s good at everything.
[your name] is at two with nature
[your name] doesn’t want to achieve immortality through his work… [your name] wants to achieve it through not dying.
[your name] places his boss under a pedestal.
[your name] took a speed reading course and read ‘War and Peace’ in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.
[your name] is astounded by people who want to ‘know’ the universe when it’s hard enough to find your way around tel aviv
[your name] is hoping God would give him some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in his name in a Swiss bank.
[your name] is pondering that life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it’s all over much too soon.
[your name] is sure that money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
[your name] is quoting the bible: “The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won’t get much sleep
[your name] is asking those who believe in psychokinesis to raise his hand.
[your name] has almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left him before they met.
[your name] is wondering about the speed of dark?
[your name] is wondering how do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
[your name] is trying to support bacteria - they’re the only culture some people have.
[your name] is thinking that hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
[your name] is sure he has a photographic memory. He just doesn’t have film.
[your name] is using his shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
[your name] is intending to live forever - so far, so good.
[your name] is thinking to join the army - join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
[your name] is dancing - Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.
[your name] is asking who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
[your name] just got scared half to death twice
[your name] used to have an open mind but his brains kept falling out.
[your name] couldn’t repair your brakes, so he made your horn louder.
[your name] is getting x-rayed - The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
[your name] is eating toast- The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
[your name] is itching - The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
[your name] is researching a paper - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
[your name] is planning to be spontaneous tomorrow.
your name] always wanted to be somebody. Now he realizes that he should have been more specific.
[your name] had a dream last night, he was eating a ten pound marshmallow. He woke up this morning and his pillow was gone.
[your name] is happy of the advantages of his being disorderly - he is constantly making exciting discoveries
[your name] is ready to kill for a Nobel Peace Prize
[your name] is proud somebody actually complimented him on his driving abilities today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said ‘Parking Fine.
[your name] is saying a joke: A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out:
‘Can I help, sir?’ ‘No thanks,’ says the blind bloke. ‘just looking'.
[your name] shot an elephant in his pajamas one morning. How he got into [your name] pajamas he’ll never know.
[your name] knew he was an unwanted baby when he saw that his bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
[your name] is planning a vacation and is leaning towards Pisa.
[your name] wants to expand the NFL season to 162 games.
[your name]’s NOT fat…that’s his money belt.
[your name] is a stereotype. I’m not wrong. I’m cuddly.
[your name] is writing: Anachronistic Antidisestablishmentarianism: A Case Study.
[your name] sees golf-ball sized hail! Grab your 9-iron and let’s go…
[your name] is thinking Pandora didn’t think outside the box.
[your name] brakes for unicorns.
[your name] is the kid next door’s imaginary friend.