Facebook Status Generator

New Year Funny Facebook Status

2011-12-30T04:23:00.000-08:00

This time next year I'll be laughing in the face of the Mayans. End of the world? Pfttt.

At this time of year there are more overweight people in the developed world than average weight people. So overweight people are now average, which means I’ve met my New Year’s resolution.

New year, same goal.

2011 is nearly over so like this status if I've made you smile at any time this year.

New Year’s is a harmless annual institution, of no particular use to anybody save as a scapegoat for promiscuous drunks, and friendly calls and humbug resolutions.

R.I.P. 2011 (2011-2011)

A New Year’s resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.

My new years resolution is to start buying lottery tickets at a luckier store.

I'm planning on finding new and interesting things to hate about my job in 2012.

My 2012 New Year’s resolution is to adhere to my resolutions for longer than 24 hours.

My 2012 new year’s resolution is to be more optimistic by looking at my glass half-full (with either rum, vodka, or whiskey).

New Years Eve – one of the only days when it is socially acceptable to start drinking this early.

Looking back with gratitude, looking forward with hope.

I'm actually feeling pretty okay about not accomplishing anything this year

There have been many times in 2011, when I have annoyed you, distubed you, irritated you, bugged you… today I just wanna tell you… I plan to continue in 2012!

Wishing everyone an extremely Happy New Year! May we all lose our belly fat and unsightly pimples, get gorgeous hair and hefty pay-raises and may the wrath of the Almighty fall upon anyone who looks prettier than us in group photographs.

New Years Eve; Helping ugly people get laid since 1 AD.

Christmas Facebook & Twitter Updates

2011-12-23T08:24:00.000-08:00

There are four stages in life: 1) You believe in Santa Claus. 2) You don’t believe in Santa Claus. 3) You are Santa Claus. 4) You look like Santa Claus.

I may not be the real Santa, but that doesn’t mean I haven’t seen you while you’re sleeping!

I can’t wait to watch her favourite Christmas movie, “The Christmas That Almost Wasn’t Due To Santa’s Urinary Tract Infection”

is eating his weight in figgy pudding

What happened when the snowman annoyed the snow-woman? She gave him the cold shoulder.

Why is Christmas just like another day at the office? You end up doing all the work and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit.

Anyone who believes that men are the equal of women has never seen a man trying to wrap a Christmas present.

Christmas is just plain weird. What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree in your living room eating candy and snacks out of your socks

How do you know Santa has to be a man? No woman would wear the same outfit year after year.

What do elves learn in school? The Elf-abet!

Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve? Because it soots him.

Why does Santa have 3 gardens? So he can ho-ho-ho.

What do snowmen eat for breakfast? Snowflakes.

What did Adam say on the day before Christmas? Its’ Christmas, Eve.

What did Tarzan sing at Christmas time? Jungle Bells

What’s red and white and red, red and white, and red and white? Santa Claus rolling down a hill!

Christmas is cancelled. I told Santa I’ve been good this year. He died laughing.

I’m not Santa. But you can still sit on my lap ;)

I’m the reason Santa even has a naughty list ;)
is in Santa’s workshop chasing elves!

is bringing you gold, frankincense and some whup-ass!

is going to stuff your stocking good.

kicked an elf today.

is going to slide down your chimney tonight. Wink. Wink.

What’s the difference between tiger woods and santa? Santa stopped at 3 ho’s.

I wish we could put up some of the Christmas spirit in jars and open a jar of it every month.

is excited for Christmas. What other time of the year can you sit around a dead tree and eat candy out of socks?

Where is that fat bastard?

Nothing like a dysfunctional family trying to function for the Holidays.

I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white dude would come into my neighborhood after dark.

Dear Santa, I was framed.

is starting to think that Santa just isn’t that into me.

the only Christmas spirit you’ll see from me this year is a bottle of rum under your tree.

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people once a year.

What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a new job the next day.

thinks it was a bad idea trying to be the angel on the top of the xmas tree. Now its flat and I have needles in my bum.

Christmas has been cancelled! Santa died laughing when I told him you’d been good this year!

Has got the perfect gift for the kids. A pack of batteries which at the bottom says ‘toy not included’.

Dear Santa, you are a perv. How do you know I’ve been naughty?!

is reminding everyone not to eat yellow snow.

is for life, not just for Christmas.

Dear Santa, I promise to be good next year… ;)

is on Santa’s VIP list

Would you like some Christmas spirit? Now where did I put that vodka…

I can’t tell you what I want for xmas. I’d end up on the naughty list for sure ;)

Dear Santa, I can explain…

Summer & Holiday/Vacation

2011-04-16T05:11:00.000-07:00

.

thinks that Operation "Gain As Much Weight As Humanly Possible While On Vacation" is right on schedule so far.

is starting my vacation today. If anyone needs me, I'll be sober again sometime next week.

Here's a little tip to make your summer vacation days seem longer. Go camping.

thinks the only thing I'm "taking for the team" is a vacation.

☼ I ♥ Summer! ☼

Summer: the time of year when parents realize just how grossly underpaid teachers actually are.

would love to discuss joining a summer athletic league as long as it doesn't result in us actually having to join a summer athletic league.

well, it's day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan B colada.

You know what would make this margarita better? Cancun.

Week: a unit of time that seems much shorter on a vacation than on a diet.

Pick Up Lines - The World's Worst!

2010-10-14T02:21:00.000-07:00

These pickup lines are terrible, but it always pays to have a few in reserve to break the ice and cause a chuckle. You'll probably not use these as status updates but better to post them to on the wall of your intended or use them on your next night out!

Here are our favourites, use them with caution!

GOOD LUCK! (You'll need it!) Oh, and if any works, please tell us which one(s) you used!

Did you fart? Because you blew me away

You must be in a wrong place - the Miss Universe contest is over there.

Was that an earthquake or did u just rock my world?

I may not be a genie but I can make your dreams come true

Are you a magnet cuz im attracted to you

Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?

I wish you were DSL so I could get high-speed access.

I know its not Christmas, but Santa's lap is always ready.

Baby your like a student and I am like a math book, you solve all my problems

"Why does it feel like the most beautiful girl in the world is in this room?"

Can I take a picture of you, so I can show Santa just what I want for Christmas.

Do you have any raisins? No? How about a date?

I was blinded by your beauty so I'm going to need your name and number for insurance reasons.

I'm sorry, were you talking to me? Her: No. Well then, please start.

I know I dont have a chance, but I just wanted to hear an angel talk.

Roses are red, violets are blue, how would you like it if I came home with you?

Hey I just realized this, but you look alot like my next girlfriend.

Are your legs tired, because you've been running through my mind all day long.

Are you lost? Because heaven's a long way from here.

POOF! (What are u doing?) I'm here, where are your other two wishes?

I hope you know CPR, because you take my breath away.

Girl, you better have a license, cuz you are driving me crazy!

If you were the new burger at McDonalds you would be the Mcgorgeous!

Do you have the time? (she gives you the time) No, the time to write my number down .

Let's make like a fabric softener and snuggle.

Are you an interior decorator? When I saw you the room became beautiful.

Hello, I'm a thief, and I'm here to steal your heart.

Is that top felt? [No] Would you like it to be?

Apart from being sexy, what do you do for a living?

Is your last name Gillete cause your the best a man can get.

Are you a parking ticket? (What?) You got fine written all over you.

I'm invisible. (Really?) Can you see me? (Yes) How about tomorrow night?

You can fall off a building, you can fall out a tree, but baby, the best way to fall is in love with me.

I have never had a dream come true until the day that I met you.

You look life my first wife! (how many have you had?) none.

Do you have a sunburn, or are you always this hot?

I'm addicted to yes, and I'm allergic to no. So what's it gonna be?

If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together.

Turn to the girl sitting next to you at the bar and say... "I'm not really this tall....I'm sitting on my wallet."

This is a test of the emergency pickup line service. Beeeeeeeeeep. If you had been any less beautiful, you would have just heard a bad pickup line.

If this bar is a meat market, you must be the prime rib.

I know I'm not a grocery item but I can tell when you're checking me out.

If beauty were sunlight, you'd shine from a million light-years away.

Do you mind if I hang out here until its safe back where I farted.

Life without you would be like a broken pencil...pointless.

Your body is a wonderland and i want to be Alice.

I'm like chocolate pudding, I look like crap but im as sweet as can be.

Can I have directions? ["To where?"] To your heart.

Are you an alien? because you just abducted my heart.

Did you fart, 'cause you blow me away!

I hope there's a fireman around, cause you're smokin'!

If you were a booger I'd pick you first.

Excuse me, I think you have something in your eye. Nope, it's just a sparkle.

You've been a bad girl/boy. Go to my room.

If beauty were time, you'd be an eternity.

Do you know karate? 'Cause your body is really kickin'.

Are you as beautiful on the inside as you are on the outside?

Like the sheets on your bed I want cover you with love.

Do you have a Bandaid? Because I just scraped my knee falling for you.

Hi, I just wanted to give you the satisfaction of turning me down; go ahead say no.

I hope your day is as radiant as your smile.

You make me melt like hot fudge on a sundae.

You know what? Your eyes are the same color as my Porsche.

Are you an alien?, because you just abducted my heart.

What has 142 teeth and holds back the incredible hulk? My zipper.

I can tell your future, it is you giving me your number.

Hi, I'm Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me.

Giant polar bear (What?) It's an icebreaker. Hi, my name is....

Your so hot when i look at you I get a tan

I must be a snowflake, 'cuz I've fallen for you.

You look so sweet your givin me a toothache.

My love for you is like the universe...neverending!!

If looks could kill you would be a weapon of mass destruction.

You - "Did it hurt". The other person will naturally say "Did what hurt?", You - "When you fell from heaven."

Excuse me, can you empty your pockets? I believe you have stolen my heart.

Do you have a map? Because I just keep getting lost in your eyes!

You say "I bet you £5 I can kiss you without using my lips." She says, "Bet's on." You kiss her then say, "I lost."

You got something on your chest: my eyes

Do you believe in the hereafter? Well, then I guess you know what I'm here after.

I don't know if you're beautiful or not, I haven't gotten past your eyes yet.

What does it feel like to be the most beautiful girl in this room?

Your eyes are as blue as my toilet water at home.

I'm not drunk, I'm just intoxicated by you.

Do you want to make millions? millions of babies!

The night is young, the moon is bright, and you are here with me tonight.

I wanna bag you like some groceries.

kiss me if I am wrong, but isn't your name (take a guess)...Janice????

I'm not drunk, I'm just intoxicated by you.

I was so enchanted by your beauty that I ran into that wall over there. So I am going to need your name and number for insurance purposes.

If beauty were time, you'd be eternity.

If I were a stop light, I'd turn red everytime you passed by, just so I could stare at you a bit longer.

Babe, your beauty makes the morning sun look like the dull glimmer of the moon.

You'd better direct that beauty somewhere else, you'll set the carpet on fire.

If I received a nickel for everytime I saw someone as beautiful as you, I'd have five cents.

For a moment I thought I had died and gone to heaven. Now I see that I am very much alive, and heaven has been brought to me.

Sorry, but you owe me a drink. [Why?] Because when I looked at you, I dropped mine.

You look cold. Want to use me as a blanket?

Can I have directions? [To where?] To your heart.

Do you have a BandAid? I just scraped my knee falling for you.

Be unique and different, say yes.

Do you have a map? I'm getting lost in your eyes.

Fascinating. I've been looking at your eyes all night long, 'cause I've never seen such dark eyes with so much light in them.

Most people like to watch the Olympics, because they only happen once every 4 years, but I'd rather talk to you cause
the chance of meeting someone so special only happens once in a lifetime.

You're so beautiful that you made me forget my pickup line.

You shouldn't wear makeup. It's messing with perfection!

If I had a star for every time you brightened my day, I'd have a galaxy in my hand.

If a thousand painters worked for a thousand years, they could not create a work of art as beautiful as you.

You know you're in love when you can't fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams.

Damn, if being sexy was a crime, you'd be guilty as charged!

I was wondering if you had an extra heart mine seems to have been stolen

There isn't a word in the dictionary for how good you look.

Me without you is like a nerd without braces, A shoe without laces, aSentenceWithoutSpaces

Is there an airport nearby or is that just my heart taking off?

When I'm older, I'll look back at all of my crowning memories, and I'll think of the day my children were born, the day
I got married, and the day that I met you.

Are you from Tennessee? Because you're the only ten I see!

I must be a snowflake, because I've fallen for you.

Are you an interior decorator? When i saw you the room became beautiful.

There is something wrong with my cell phone. It doesn't have your number in it.

Baby, if you were words on a page, you'd be what they call FINE PRINT!

You must be a hell of a thief because you stole my heart from across the room.

Do you have a twin sister? Then you must be the most beautiful girl in the world!

You look beautiful today, just like every other day.

Excuse me, but I think I dropped something. MY JAW!

If you were a booger I'd pick you first.

Do you know what I did last night? I looked up at the stars, and matched each one with a reason why I love you.

Excuse me, I think you have something in your eye. Oh wait, it's just a sparkle.

If I were to ask you out on a date, would your answer be the same as the answer to this question?

If this bar is a meat market, you must be the prime rib.

Are you lost ma'am? Because heaven is a long way from here.

I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on earth tonight.

My love for you is like diarrhea, I just can't hold it in.

Hello, I'm a thief, and I'm here to steal your heart.

Hey baby you're so fine you make me stutter, wha-wha-what's your name?

I bet you $20 you're gonna turn me down.

I'm not actually this tall. I'm sitting on my wallet.

Do you have the time? [Tells you the time] No, the time to write down my number?

Would you grab my arm so I can tell my friends I've been touched by an angel?

Hey... Didn't I see your name in the dictionary under "Shazaam!"?

Rejection can lead to emotional stress for both parties involved and emotional stress can lead to physical complications
such as headaches, ulcers, cancerous tumors, and even death! So for my health and yours, JUST SAY YES!

I seem to have lost my phone number. Can I have yours?

Hello are you married? [Yes] Well I didn't hear you say "happily".

You are like a candy bar: half sweet and half nuts.

Excuse me, but does this smell like chloroform to you?

Hello how are you? [Fine] Hey, I didn't ask you how you looked!

Did you clean your pants with Windex? I can practically see myself in them.

How was heaven when you left it?

Did you fart, cause you blew me away.

I don't have a library card, but do you mind if I check you out?

Hey...somebody farted. Let's get out of here.

I didn't know that angels could fly so low!

There must be something wrong with my eyes, I can't take them off you.

You are so fine, I wish I could plant you and grow a whole field of you!

Is your last name Gillette? Because you are the best a man can get.

Is your name "swiffer"? 'Cause you just swept me off my feet.

Excuse me, but you dropped something back there" (What?) "This conversation, lets pick it up later tonight.

Are you going to kiss me or do I have to lie to my diary?

Are you cold? You look like you could use some hot chocolate... Well, here I am!

If stars would fall everytime I would think of you, the sky would soon be empty.

Damn, if being sexy was a crime, you'd be guilty as charged!

You know, Dr. Phil says I'm afraid of commitment...Want to help prove him wrong?

Your lips look so lonely.... Would they like to meet mine?

Baby, you're so sweet, you put Hershey's outta business.

Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?

Did the sun come out or did you just smile at me?

So there you are! I've been looking all over for YOU, the woman of my dreams!

Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again?

Inheriting eighty million bucks doesn't mean much when you have a weak heart.

You see my friend over there? [Point to friend] He wants to know if YOU think I'M cute.

The only thing your eyes haven't told me is your name.

Excuse me, I just noticed you noticing me and I just wanted to give you notice that I noticed you too.

(As she is leaving) Hey aren't you forgetting something? (What?) Me!

Somebody better call God, cuz heaven's missing an angel!

Can I borrow a quarter? ["What for?"] I want to call my mom and tell her I just met the man/woman of my dreams.

Did it hurt? (Did what hurt?) When you fell out of heaven?

I'm sorry, were you talking to me? [No] Well then, please start.

I know milk does a body good, but baby, how much have you been drinking?

I play the field, and it looks like I just hit a home run with you.

I'm new in town. Could you give me directions to your apartment?

If I could rearrange the alphabet, I would put 'U' and 'I' together.

If you were a tear in my eye I would not cry for fear of losing you.

My lenses turn dark in the sunshine of your love.

Was you father an alien? Because there's nothing else like you on Earth!

What time do you have to be back in heaven?

Baby, I'm no Fred Flintstone, but I can make your Bedrock!

Wouldn't we look cute on a wedding cake together?

Your daddy must have been a baker, because you've got a nice set of buns.

Your legs must be tired because you've been running through my mind all night.

[Point at her ass] Pardon me, is this seat taken?

Was your father a thief? 'Cause someone stole the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes.

[Look at her shirt label.] When they say, "What are you doing?" You respond: "Yep! Made in heaven!"

Your eyes are blue, like the ocean. And baby, I'm lost at sea.

You know how they say skin is the largest organ on the human body? Not in my case.

You be the Dairy Queen and I'll be your Burger King: You treat me right, and I'll do it your way.

(Ask a person for the time) 9:15? So today is May 1, 2008, at 9:15 PM, thanks I just wanted to be able to remember the exact moment that I met the woman of my dreams.

Pinch me. [Why?] You're so fine I must be dreaming.

if I had to choose between breathing or loving you, I would say "I love you" with my last breath!

Ouch! My tooth hurts! [Why?] Because you are soooo sweet!

I'm not trying to impress you or anything, but... I'm Batman!

You must be Jamaican, because Jamaican me crazy.

Do you know karate? Because your body is really kickin'.

When God made you, he was showing off.

Are you a parking ticket? 'Cause you've got fine written all over you.

Is your dad a terrorist? Because you are the bomb.

Are you religious? Cause you are the answers to all my prayers.

You're like a dictionary, you add meaning to my life!

Baby, you are so fine I could put you on a plate and sop you up with a biscuit.

Is there a rainbow today? I just found the treasure I've been searching for!

You remind me of a magnet, because you sure are attracting me over here!

Hey, is it just me, or are we destined to be married?

Hello. Are you taking any applications for a boy/girlfriend?

I have an "owie" on my lip. Will you kiss it and make it better?

Let's make like a fabric softener and 'Snuggle

I didn't see any stars in the sky tonight, the most heavenly body was standing right next to me.

Hi, my name is Doug. That's "god" spelled backwards with a little bit of you wrapped up in it.

If I could reach out and hold a star for everytime you've made me smile, I'd hold the sky in the palm of my hand.

Well, here I am. What were your other two wishes?

(Put your fingers on the other's nipples) Hey, here's (name), comin' at you with the weather. Can I be your warm front?

How much does a polar bear weigh? [How much?] Enough to break the ice... Hi, I'm (insert name here).

Well, I AM telepathic, and I can tell that you love me. Right? [NO!] Darn, I always get "love" and "lust" mixed up.

Should I smile because we are friends, or cry because I know that is what we will ever be?

When I look into your eyes, it is like a gateway into the world of which I want to be a part.

Hey baby. You got a jersey? [A jersey?...Why?] Because I need your name and number.

This time next year let’s be laughing together.

Didn't I see you on the cover of Vogue?

Have you always been this cute, or did you have to work at it?

Hey baby, you must be a light switch, cuz every time I see you, you turn me on!

Hey, don't I know you? Yeah, you're the girl with the beautiful smile.

Was your father a mechanic? Then how did you get such a finely tuned body?

I have had a really bad day and it always makes me feel better to see a pretty girl smile. So, would you smile for me?

I hope you know CPR, cuz you take my breath away!

I just had to come talk with you. Sweetness is my weakness.

I think I can die happy now, cause I've just seen a piece of heaven.

Apart from being sexy, what do you do for a living?

If I told you that you had a great body, would you hold it against me?

I sneezed because God blessed me with you.

Is it hot in here or is it just you?

Nice to meet you, I'm (your name) and you are...gorgeous!

So, what do you do for a living besides always making all the men excited and warm all over?

Was your dad king for a day? He must have been to make a princess like you.

Were you arrested earlier? It's gotta be illegal to look that good.

Were your parents Greek Gods, 'cause it takes two gods to make a goddess.

What does it feel like to be the most beautiful girl in this room?

What's that on your face? Oh, must just be beauty. Here, let me get it off. Hey, it's not coming off!

Wow! Are those real?

Ya know, you look really hot! You must be real reason for global warming.

You are the reason men fall in love.

You know the more I drink, the prettier you get!

You know, I would die happy if I saw you naked just once!

You know, you might be asked to leave soon. You're making the other women look really bad.

You look like my third wife. [how many time have you been married?] Twice.

You make me melt like hot fudge on a sundae.

You should be someone's wife.

Were you in Boy Scouts? Because you sure have tied my heart in a knot.

Are you as beautiful on the inside as you are on the outside?

I want to be your tear drop, so I could be born in your eyes, live on your cheeks, and die on your lips.

Babe! you look so fine I could drink your bath water!

You're so hot you would make the devil sweat.

If I had a rose for every time I thought of you, I would be walking through my garden forever.

Excuse me.....Hi, i'm writing a term paper on the finer things in life, and i was wondering if i could interview you...

If god made any thing better than you he keep it for him self.

Girl, if I were a fly, I'd be all over you, because you're the shit!

There must be a lightswitch on my forehead because everytime I see you, you turn me on!

Hey, how did you do that? (What?) Look so good?

Damn girl, you have more curves than a race track.

If you stood in front of a mirror and help up 11 roses, you would see 12 of the most beautiful things in the world.

If God made anything more pretty, I'm sure he'd keep it for himself.

You are so beautiful that I would marry your brother just to get into your family.

You look like a cool glass of refreshing water, and I am the thirstiest man in the world.

Are you a tamale? 'Cause you're hot.

You are so beautiful that you give the sun a reason to shine.

Do you want to see a picture of a beautiful person? (hold up a mirror)

Do you bleach your teeth? 'Cause your smile lights up the entire room like a candle in the dark. Let's go prove it.

Your ass is so nice that it is a shame that you have to sit on it.

Someone should call the police, because you just stole my heart!

Stop, drop, and roll, baby. You are on fire.

Baby, you're so hot, you make the equator look like the north pole.

Come live in my heart, and pay no rent.

If it weren't for that DAMNED sun, you'd be the hottest thing ever created.

How is your fever? [What fever?] Oh... you just look hot to me.

I just got dumped, and I think that you could make me feel better.

You are a 9 - you'd be a perfect 10 if you were with me.

Excuse me, I'd like to have kids someday, and I wanted to know how your parents created such a beautiful creature.

You're so hot, I bet you could light a candle at 10 paces.

My buddies over there said that I wouldn't be able to start a conversation with the most beautiful girl in the bar. Wanna buy some drinks with some of their money?

Hey baby, you've got somthing on your butt: my eyes.

This isn't a beer belly, It'a a fuel tank for a love machine.

I don't know you, but I think I love you already.

You know I'd like to invite you over, but I'm afraid you're so hot you'll skyrocket my air-conditioning bill.

Here's the key to my house, my car... and my heart.

if we shared a garden, I'd put my tulips and your tulips together. (tulips = two lips)

Is your name Summer? 'Cause you are as hot as hell.

If I had to choose between one night with you or winning the lottery...I would chose winning the lottery...but it would be close...real close...

Do you have any sunscreen? 'Cause you are burning me up!

See these keys? I wish I had the one to your heart.

You're hotter than donut grease.

Your eyes are as blue as window cleaner.

Are your parents retarded, 'cause you sure are special.

If you could put a price tag on beauty you'd be worth more than Fort Knox.

I must be dancing with the devil, because you're hot as hell.

I never need to see the sun again because your eyes light up my world.

If you were a steak you would be well done.

It's dark in here. Wait! It's because all of the light is shining on you.

Is your name Katrina? [No, why?] 'Cuz baby, you rock me like a hurricane!

Can you pull this heart-shaped arrow out of my butt? A damn little kid with wings shot me.

Famous Romantic Quotes

2010-10-10T13:15:00.000-07:00

All love is sweet, given or returned.
~Percy Bysshe Shelly~

Love distils desire upon the eyes, love brings bewitching grace into the heart.
~Euripides~

Two souls with but a single thought, two hearts that beat as one.
~John Keats~

There is only one happiness in life, to love and be loved.
~George Sand~

Love is but the discovery of ourselves in others, and the delight of recognition.
~Alexander Smith~

Love is the beauty of the soul.
~St. Augustine~

What I do and what I dream include thee, as the wine must taste of its own grapes.
~Elizabeth Barrett Browning~

But to see her was to love her, love but her, and love her forever.
~Robert Burns~

When love reigns the impossible may be attained.
~Indian proverb~

To love is to receive a glimpse of heaven.
~Karen Sunde~

A life without love is like a year without summer.
~Swedish proverb~

Love is a beautiful dream.
~William Sharpe~

All mankind love a lover.
~Ralph Waldo Emerson~

A caress is better than a career.
~Elizabeth Marburg~

Each moment of a happy lover's hour is worth an age of dull and common life.
~Aphra Behn~

There is no heaven like mutual love.
~George Granville~

Talking of love is making it.
~W.G. Benham~

The quarrels of lovers are the renewal of love.
~Terence~

Love can turn the cottage into a golden palace.
~German proverb~

When the heart clings to a lover, who cares what caste he be?
~Indian proverb~

When two hearts are one, even the king cannot separate them.
~Turkish proverb~

Love conquers all things: Let us too give in to love.
~Virgil~

With you I should love to live, with you be ready to die.
~Horace~

Many waters cannot quench love, neither can the floods drown it.
~Song of Solomon~

Love cometh like sunshine after rain.
~William Shakespeare~

Love is never having to say you're sorry.
~Erich Segal Love Story~

No cord nor cable can so forcibly draw, or hold so fast, as love can do with a twined thread.
~Robert Burton~

Oh, what a dear ravishing thing is the beginning of an amour!
~Aphra Behn~

No, there's nothing half so sweet in life as love's young dream.
~Thomas Moore~

Love doesn't just lay there, like a stone, it has to be made, like bread; re-made all the time, made new.
~Ursula K. Leguin~

A noble hunger, long unsatisfied, met at last its proper food.
~C.S. Lewis on falling in love~

Love looks not with eyes, but with the mind.
~William Shakespeare~

Love must blossom. Through love will grow the trees and the bushes.
~Joost van der Vondel~

There is a name hidden in the shadow of my soul, where I read it night and day and no other eye sees it.
~Alphonse de Lamartine~

Without love, I should be spiritless.
~Francois Maynard~

You had my heart, and I yours; a heart for a heart, good fortune for good fortune.
~Marcelline Desbordes`Valmore~

Since we shall love each other, I shall be great and you shall be rich.
~Victor Hugo~

Your heart is mine; there I reign. I am content.
~Pierre de Corneille~

Love guides the stars towards each other, the world plan endures only through love.
~J.C.F. von Schiller~

One glance, one word from you gives more pleasure than all the wisdom of this world.
~J.W. von Goethe~

Love and the gentle heart are but the same thing.
~Dante~

Let your heart melt toward me, just as the ice that melts in spring leaves no trace of its chill.
~Kokin Shu~

He who shall never be divided from me kissed my mouth all trembling.
~Dante~

Computer & I.T Facebook & Twitter Status Updates

2010-10-03T13:11:00.000-07:00

A hacker does for love what others would not do for money

A bug in the code is worth two in the documentation.

According to my calculations the problem doesn't exist.

A computer's attention span is as long as its power cord.

A computer scientist is someone who fixes things that aren't broken.

Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later.

Air conditioned environment - Do NOT open Windows!

All computers wait at the same speed.

All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?

Willyoupleasehelpmefixmykeyboard?Thespacebarisbroken!

All you need to know is the user interface.

Alpha. Software undergoes alpha testing as a first step in getting user feedback. Alpha is Latin for "doesn't work."

Any programming language is at its best before it is implemented and used.

Any program that runs right is obsolete.

A paperless office has about as much chance as a paperless bathroom.

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light.

A Life? Cool! Where can I download one of those from?

A program is never finished until the programmer dies.

ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!

As far as we know, our computer has never had an undetected error.

A user friendly computer first requires a friendly user.

A user will find any interface design intuitive...with enough practice.

Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (P)anic

Bad or missing mouse driver. Spank the cat [Y/N]?

Be aware of Programmers who carry screwdrivers.

Best file compression around: "DEL *.*" = 100% compression

Beta. Software undergoes beta testing shortly before it's released. Beta is Latin for "still doesn't work."

Bug? That's not a bug, that's a feature.

Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will use it.

Buy a Pentium IV 2GHz so you can reboot faster.

Cannot load Windows 95, Incorrect DOS Version.

COFFEE.EXE Missing---Insert Cup and Press Any Key.

Compatible: Gracefully accepts erroneous data from any source.

Computer analyst to programmer: "You start coding. I'll go find out what they want."

Computer and car salesmen differ in that the latter know when they are lying.

Computer programmers do it byte by byte.

Computer programmers don't byte, they nibble a bit.

Computers are a more fun way to do the same work you'd have to do without them.

Computers are like air-conditioners: both stop working, if you open windows.

Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.

Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable.

Computers can never replace human stupidity.

Computer Science: solving today's problems tomorrow.

Computers follow your orders, not your intentions.

Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.

Crashing is the only thing windows does quickly.

Daddy, what does FORMATTING DRIVE C mean?

Disclaimer: Any errors in spelling, tact, or fact are transmission errors.

Disinformation is not as good as datinformation.

Don't compute and drive; the life you save may be your own.

Don't document the program; program the document.

Don't hit the keys so hard, it hurts.

Don't let the computer bugs bite!

DOS=HIGH? I knew it was on something!

DOS Tip #1: Add DEVICE=FNGRCROS.SYS to CONFIG.SYS

DOS Tip #2: Add BUGS=OFF to your CONFIG.SYS

Email returned to sender -- insufficient voltage.

Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue...

Error:015: Unable to exit Windows. Try the door.

Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)

Ever notice how fast Windows runs? Neither did I...

Every bug you find is the last one.

Every time I type 'win', I loose ...

Excuse me for butting in, but I'm interrupt-driven.

Failure is not an option, it comes bundled with the software.

.....File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)

For any problem there is a solution that is simple, quick, and ultimately worse than the problem.

Hardware: The parts of a computer system that can be kicked.

Hi, my name is Any Key. Please don't hit me!

Hiroshima..45........Tjernobil..86........Windows..95....

Hit any user to continue.

Home is where the computer is plugged in.

How an engineer writes a program: Start by debugging an empty file...

I am a computer, dumber than any human and smarter than an administrator.

If at first you don't succeed, call it version 1.0.

If a train station is where the train stops, what is a work station?

I finally made my stupid computer faster; I dropped it out of the window, and it went really fast.

If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce today would cost $100, get a million miles to the gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.

If the pen is mightier than the sword, and a picture is worth a thousand words, how dangerous is a fax?

If your computer says, "Printer out of Paper," this problem cannot be resolved by continuously clicking the "OK" button.

I have a dream: 1073741824 bytes free.

I haven't lost my mind; it's backed up on tape somewhere.

I hit the CTRL key but I'm still not in control!

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

In a few minutes a computer can make a mistake so great that it would take many men many months to equal it.

Is reading in the bathroom considered Multi-Tasking

It is easier to write an incorrect program than understand a correct one.

It said "Insert disk 3..." but only 2 fit.

It's not a bug; it's an undocumented feature.

It works! Now if only I could remember what I did...

I wish life has a scroll back buffer.

Keyboard : Instrument used to enter errors into computer.

Keyboard not connected, press F1 to continue.

MACINTOSH stands for Most Applications Crash If Not The Operating System Hangs.

Maintenance-free: When it breaks, it can't be fixed...

Math problems? Call 1-800-[(10x)(ln(13e))]-[sin(xy)/2.362x]

Melted fruit snacks found on Keyboard. Delete nephew [Y/N]?

MICROSOFT: Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software is Only for Fools and Teenagers.

Mommy! The cursor's winking at me!

My computer can beat me at chess, let's see if it can beat my baseball bat!

My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.

Never say "OOPS!" always say "Ah, Interesting!"

No matter how much data you add to your laptop, it will not get heavier.

Of course I know how to copy disks. Where's the xerox machine?

One person's error is another person's data.

One picture is worth 128K words.

Operator! Trace this call and tell me where I am.

Owners of digital watches: Your day's are numbered!

Oxymoron: Microsoft Works.

Press any key...no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!

Press any key to continue or any other key to quit...

Press CTRL-ALT-DEL to continue....

Programmers don't die, they just GOSUB without RETURN.

Programmer's Time-Space Continuum: Programmers continuously space the time.

RAM disk is NOT an installation procedure.

Reference Manual: Object that raises the monitor to eye level. Also used to compensate for that short table leg.

Scheduled Release Date: A carefully calculated date determined by estimating the actual shipping date and subtracting six months from it.

Shift to the left! Shift to the right! Pop up, push down, byte, byte, byte!

Southern DOS: Y'all reckon? (Yep/Nope)

Speed Kills! Use Windows 95.

System going down at 1:45 for disk crashing.

The box said: 'install on Windows 95, NT 4.0 or better'. So I installed it on Linux.

The definition of an upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in.

The name is Baud......, James Baud.

The program is absolutely right; therefore the computer must be wrong.

The programmer's national anthem is 'AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH'.

The Queue Principle: The longer you wait in line, the greater the likelihood that you are standing in the wrong line.

There are never enough hours in a day, but always too many days before Saturday.

There are two ways to write error-free programs; only the third one works.

There can never be a computer language in which you cannot write a bad program.

There were computers in Biblical times. Eve had an Apple.

These settings will have no effect until you restart the system.

Reset Universe (Y/N) ?

Those who can, do. Those who cannot, teach. Those who cannot teach, HACK!

To be, or not to be, those are the parameters.

To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer.

User error: replace user and press any key to continue.

Warning, keyboard not found. Press Enter to continue.

What boots up must come down.

Who's General Failure and why's he reading my disk?

Why doesn't DOS ever say "EXCELLENT command or filename!"

Why do they call this a word processor? It's simple, ... you've seen what food processors do to food, right?

Why do we want intelligent terminals when there are so many stupid users?

Will the information superhighway have any rest stops?

Windows 3.1 not found: (C)heer, (P)arty, (D)ance?

Windows is NOT a virus. Viruses DO something.

WINDOWS stands for Will Install Needless Data On Whole System.

Windows: the ultimate triumph of marketing over technology.

You are making progress if each mistake is a new one.

You don't have to know how the computer works, just how to work the computer.

You forgot to do your backup 16 days ago. Tomorrow you'll need that version.

You had mail, but the super-user read it, and deleted it!

You never finish a program, you just stop working on it.

Work, Working and Job Related Status Updates

2010-07-25T10:41:00.000-07:00

.

A bachelor is like a modern cleanser: works fast and leaves no ring.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station..

A celebrity is someone who works hard all his life to become known and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognised.

A committee is twelve men doing the work of one.

A dreamcatcher works, if your dream is to be gay.

A procrastinator's work is never done.

A real patriot is someone who gets a parking ticket and rejoices that the system works.

A weird thing about humans is we work till we're sick to get a fortune, then pay a fortune to get well again.

All I've ever wanted was an honest week's pay for an honest day's work.

All mothers are working mothers.

All the so-called "secrets of success" will not work unless you do.

All work and no play is the average school day.

All work and no play, will make you a manager.

Always get married early in the morning. That way, if it doesn't work out, you haven't wasted a whole day.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to avoid work.

Anger is a condition in which the tongue works faster than the mind.

Anthony's Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll into the least accessible corner or the workshop. Corollary: On the way to the corner, any dropped tool will first always strike your toes.

ARMY: Tracers work both ways.

Art is work, to sell it is art.

Asking a working writer what he thinks about critics is like asking a lamppost how it feels about dogs.

At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.

Babies don't need a vacation but I still see them at the beach. I'll go over to them and say, 'What are you doing here, you've never worked a day in your life!'.

Beat the 5 o'clock rush, leave work at noon.

Beautiful young people are acts of nature, but beautiful old people are works of art.

Buses stop at bus stations, trains at train stations, my desk has a workstation.

By working faithfully eight hours a day, you may get to be a boss and work twelve hours a day.

Celebrity: someone who works all his life to be recognized, and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.

Chaos, panic and disorder. My work here is done.

Choose a job you like and you will never have to work a day of your life.

College is like a woman; you work so hard to get in and nine months later you wish you'd never come.

Communism doesn't work because people like to own stuff.

Communism is like prohibition - it's a good idea, but it won't work.

Computers cut my work in half.... and the boss expects me to put it all back together!

Computers will never replace the wastebasket when it comes to streamlining office work.

Computers: working daily to make the human brain obsolete.

Consultants have credibility because they aren't dumb enough to work at your company.

Could crop circles be the work of a cereal killer?

Definition of Innocence: Nun working in condom factory thinking she's making sleeping bags for mice.

Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?

Graphic Facebook Status Updates

2010-07-01T11:15:00.000-07:00

....that's graphic as in 'picture' not as in 'pornographic'! (Sorry if you're disappointed)

Donna is Loading ████████████ 99%

scratch here ▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒ to reveal today’s status.

Mark is downloading porn ████████████ 99%

Catherine ║▌║█║▌║▌║█║▌│║▌║█║▌║▌││║▌║ *ZAP* *BEEP* Price: £12.48

------ ̿̿̿ ̿' ̿'\̵͇̿̿\з=(•̪●)=ε/̵͇̿̿/'̿'̿ ̿ -------

╭∩╮( º.º )╭∩╮

:¨·.·¨:

`·.. Insert lover's name

░█░░░█░█░▄▀░█▀▀░░░░▀█▀░█░█░█░▄▀▀░

░█░░░█░█▀░░░█▀░░▄▄░░█░░█▀█░█░░▀▄░

░█▄▄░█░█░▀▄░█▄▄░░░░░█░░█░█░█░▄▄▀░

<º))))><

><((((º>

*´¨)

¸.•´¸.•*´¨) ¸.•*¨)

(¸.•´ (¸.•` ¤ Your Name

┣▇▇▇═─ Hates Needles!

╔♫═╗╔╗ ♥

╚╗╔╝║║♫═╦╦╦╔╗

╔╝╚╗♫╚╣║║║║╔╣

╚═♫╝╚═╩═╩♫╩═╝

ஜ۩۞۩ஜ YOU ஜ۩۞۩ஜ

Tnetennba

2010-07-01T11:07:00.000-07:00

..... Good Morning, That's a nice Tnetennba!

..... Is that a Tnetennba down your pants or are you happy to see me?

..... wants to thank Moss for commenting on his Tnetennba this morning.

..... Tnetennba.com

.....I came here to drink milk and kick ass. I just finished my milk...

http://tnetennba.com/

http://www.facebook.com/pages/TNETENNBA/121802377862596?v=app_2373072738#!/pages/TNETENNBA/121802377862596?v=wall

50 Clever & Funny Status Updates

2010-05-27T13:37:00.000-07:00

Nothing to do with Grayson Chance or Ellen DeGeneres before you ask!

Grayson feels like getting some work done...and so he is sitting down until the feeling passes.

Ellen used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she's good at everything.

Grayson is color blind and trying to solve a rubiks cube... This could take a while...

Ellen dreams of a better world...where chickens can cross the road without having their motives questioned :0)

Grayson Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper

Ellen "Good morning...I see the assassins have failed."

Grayson says my computer just beat me at chess...but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

Ellen is cle'a]ni.ng he'r ke]yb29oa;rd

Grayson Got out of jury duty by prefacing every answer with "according to the prophecy"

Ellen is Loading ████████████ 99%

Grayson - People reckon I'm too patronising (that means I treat them as if they're stupid).

Ellen Have you ever had a fly or small bug land on your computer screen and your first reaction is to try and scare it with the cursor?

Grayson I have an oven with a 'stop time' button. It's probably meant to be 'stop timer' but I don't touch it, just in case.

Ellen It recently became apparent to me that the letters 'T' and 'G' are far too close together on a keyboard. This is why I'll never be ending an e-mail with the phrase "Regards" ever again.

Grayson How To Be A Hero tip: When destroying the enemy be sure to kill all the criminals in reverse order of importance before confronting the kingpin himself.

Ellen went to the book store earlier to buy a 'Where's Wally' book. When I got there, I couldn't find the book anywhere. Well played Wally, well played.

Grayson Don't waste money on expensive ipods. Simply think of your favourite tune and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", think of another song you like and hum that instead.

Ellen What do we want? PROCRASTINATION! When do we want it?... Next week.

Grayson My wife said I'm too immature and if I don't grow up it's going to erect a barrier between us. Ha ha ha, erect.

Ellen Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarfs aren't happy.

Grayson is wondering why his daughter's diaper holds no where near the 22-37 pounds it promises.

Ellen is proud of herself. She finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said 2-4 years.

Grayson doesn't suffer from insanity... he enjoys every minute of it.

Ellen ║▌║█║▌║▌║█║▌│║▌║█║▌║▌││║▌║ *ZAP* *BEEP* Price: £2.43

Grayson is wondering where Noah kept woodpeckers on his ark

Ellen thinks that if your relationship status says, "It's complicated" that you should stop kidding yourself and change it to "Single"

Grayson before you use the bathroom in someones house make sure you check they have toilet paper!!

Grayson is cleaning out his medicine cabinet of expired prescriptions with a glass of water and several mystery pills at a time.

Ellen Be nice to nerds, Chances are you will be working for them.

Grayson is normally not a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me Superman.

Ellen is experiencing life at a rate of several wtf's a minute

Grayson just received a coupon in the mail: Buy one sock, get one FREE! While socks last.

Ellen would rather check her facebook than face her checkbook.

Grayson believes that if you tell your boss what you really think of him, the truth will set you free.

Ellen got her test results back this morning and is shocked to find that she's been diagnosed with OCD. She's rung the doctors nine times to check if they're correct.

Grayson reckons anti-wrinkle cream doesn't work. If it did, women wouldn't have any fingerprints.

Ellen will one day get even... with all the people that have helped her.

Grayson Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.

Ellen People who live in stone houses shouldn't throw glasses.

Grayson Statistically, 132% of all people exaggerate.

Ellen Statistically 5/4 of people have trouble with fractions.

Grayson I hear there is scientific proof that birthdays are good for you... the more you have the longer you live.

Ellen I just read a list of 'the 100 things to do before you die'. I'm pretty surprised 'yell for help' wasn't one of them...

Grayson I've always wondered if film directors wake up screaming "CUT! CUT! CUUUUUT!" when they have nightmares.

Ellen TEIAM - problem solved

Grayson never questions authority, he annoys authority. More effect, less effort.

Ellen never judges a book by its cover. She uses the paragraph on the back, it tells you what the story is about.

Grayson’s Top Tip Of The Week: When going through airport customs and you are asked "do you have any firearms with you?" do not reply "what do you need?"

Another Batch of Twitter Updates

2010-05-27T09:54:00.000-07:00

wondering, what's the point of going out, we're just going to end up back here anyway!

going to the backseat of my car with the woman I love, and I won't be back for TEN MINUTES.

wondering when will he ever learn... The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on Facebook

sponge worthy

a close talker

a low talker

master of his domain

all real and they are spectacular

not able to spare a square

yada yada yada

a bad breaker-upper

bubble boy

stab worthy

NAME is...

the new Black

the devil you know

the lesser of 2 evils

yesterday's news

thinking inside the box because too many people are thinking outside the box.

a deadman walking

easier said then done

his own worst enemy

rushing in where angels fear to tread

knowing nothing and doubting nothing

having his cake and eating it too

NAME is...

Sure he'd feel worse if he wasn't so heavily sedated

A box of chocolates

magically delicious

made with 10% real juice!

a Toys R Us kid

the Prince of Belair

eating a Chiquita

made with calcium. Something your body needs anyways

insignificant next to the power of the force

dancing with the stars

master of his domain

NAME is...

pretty fly for a white guy

in a gadda da vida baby

psycho,-somatic addict, insane

wasting away down in Margaritaville

cruising the seas for American gold. we'd fire no guns. shed no tears. now i am a broken man on a Halifax pier.

the last of Barrett's Privateers

selling Peace but who's buying?

stomping his feet because he's happy and he knows it and he really wants to show it

a picker, a grinner, a lover and a sinner, play'n his music in the sun

tragically hip

doing the HUSTLE! doo du doo du doo du doo doo...

a well thought out twinkle

so sick from the drink I need home for a rest

bringing sexy back

bringing sexy back... to the store for a refund

rock n rolling all night long and partying every day

more human than human

tubthumping

bananas. B - A - N -A -N -A - S

elegantly wasted

dazed and confused for so long it's not true

afraid of Americans

so vain. He probably thinks this status is about him.

NAME is...

reading other statuses but your status is important to him. Please stay online and your status will be read in priority sequence. Approximate wait time 17 min

very very very slee

Right BEHIND YOU! Boo!

going around the house and renaming things so they all start with an "i" before Apple does it... such as his iToaster, his iToilet, and his iKids and iWife.all set...

Beer, Golf Clubs, Fising Rods, Tackle, shades, Tunes... Casual Fridays here I come!

the guy who put the laughter in manslaughter

to sexy for this status

bringing sexy back... to the store for a refund!

hip to your jive talk

dy-no-mite

wondering what will happen if he touches the red wire with the green wir#*&GB

the guy who put the FUN in dysfunctional

an undercover cop

calculating pi

America's next top model!

updating his Facebook status

plans on dressing up as Kanye West for Halloween and just before the kids yell "Trick or Treat", jump out of the bushes and yell "Christmas is better".

wants to remind you this Halloween, that as a general rule, don't solve riddles that open portals to Hell.

warns you this Halloween to beware of strangers bearing strange tools like chainsaws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, and band saws.

will have on his tomb stone, "See I told you I was SICK!"

is going to dress up as Kanye West and show up at Taylor Swift's house this Halloween.

hopes this Halloween, he doesn't end up with a bag full of restraining orders again.

wonders if he's getting old, or if others also ask for high fibre candy only on Halloween?

forgot to buy candy for the kids this Halloween but will offer them a bite of his sandwich.

hopes nobody else dresses up as Justus von Liebig, Father of biochemistry who recorded minerals in plant ash and proposed the law of minimum.

wonders if Lady Gaga dresses up as a normal person for Halloween???

Kanye West...

is interrupting Patrick Swayze's death to say that Michael Jackson's death was better.

would like to interrupt this Facebook status to tell you that Beyonce should have won best female video at the VMA's.

on the seventh day, took a break from creating the universe and rested.

wakes up every morning and experiences an exquisite joy – the joy of being Kanye West – and I ask myself in rapture: What wonderful things this Kanye West is going to accomplish today?

finds himself fascinating!

is a HUGE admirer of my own work and that of Beyonce's.

finds himself screaming for JOY when he sees himself in the mirror.

notices that the longer I live the more I see that I am never wrong about anything, and have only wasted my time debating any issue.

has three words for you: "BEYONCE for PRESIDENT!"

is so amazing that if I went to a bar... I'd pick myself up!

Is pissed off at Taylor Swift for interrupting his tirade on why Beyonce's video is the best video of all time.

lives vicariously... through himself.

once had an awkward moment just to see how it feels.

's reputation is expanding faster than the universe.

is the most interesting man in the world.

can speak French in Russian..

, my friends, is indeed.... THAT man.

's charm is so contagious that a vaccine was created for it.

's legend precedes him, like lightning precedes thunder.

was asked by Alien abductors to have him probe them

is a lover not a fighter, but he's also a fighter so don't get any ideas.

is going to help fight continental drift.

is stamping out, eliminating and abolishing redundancy!

fought the lawn and the lawn won.

knows it all. I just can't remember it all at once.

lives in his own little world, but it's OK — they know me here.

suffers occasional delusions of adequacy.

trys to make everyone's day a little more surreal.

is a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I'm perfect.

is not an actor, but I play one on TV.

has had fun before. This isn't it.

is wondering if less means more, then think how much more, would more be?

can't stand, it's intolerance.

says if things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me.

is dyslexic which means never having to say that you're yrros.

says dyslexics of the world, UNTIE!

stopped to think and forget to start again?

thinks everyone hates me because I'm paranoid.

thinks that friends help you move but real friends help you move bodies.

is geting behind early so he can have plenty of time to catch up

says "Give me ambiguity or give me something else."

Got milked?

thinks that happiness is a failure to understand how bad things really are.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

NAME...

says it's been a business doing pleasure with you.

is frustrated that he knows all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask him the questions.

says last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky, and I thought to myself, "Where is the ceiling?!"

notices that nobody ever says, "It's only a game" when their team is winning.

says "Oh no, not another learning experience!"

has seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.

woke up screaming realizing he hadn't fallen asleep yet.

This line intentionally left unjustified.

thinks this would be really funny if it weren't happening to me.

has calculated that three out of four Facebook contacts make up 75% of his friends list

Is starting to think that today is the tomorrow he worried about yesterday.

Top Facebook Status

2010-05-27T09:51:00.000-07:00

thinks that if atheism is a religion, then not collecting stamps is a hobby.

is getting that Deja Fu feeling... That that somehow, somewhere, he's been kicked in the head like this before.

knows that some people say that he must be a horrible person, but that's not true. I have the heart of a young boy -- in a jar on my desk.

is wondering if he had everything, where would he keep it?

is reflecting that the cost of living hasn't affected it's popularity.

wonders if you ever noticed that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

thinks it's odd that people justify deer heads on their walls by saying they're beautiful animals. Hmmm.... I think my wife is beautiful.

says let's make February 15th OUR valentines day.

says there is someone for everyone but wasn't really thinking about you.

says don't worry... it's not contagious.

says, "you make me feel dead inside"... Happy Valentines Day

says on this Valentines days... Please don't make me choose between you and porn.

already killed some helpless flowers for you... what else do you want?

loves Valentines day, where nookie is only a box of chocolates away.

wants to remind you that nothing says "I love you" more than somebody else's words mass produced on re-cycled paper.

says nothing is more romantic than letting you know that I love you... via this Facebook Status update.

says, Roses are Red, Violets are Blue, It's Valentines Day, And I have a hangnail.
is honoured to just be nominated.

would like to thank you, my fans. Without you none of this would have been possible.

is nominated as best supporting actor in a documentary of a documentary.

would like to thank Lynard Skynard for not releasing an album.

is nominated for best performance by an actor in the role of a robot, pirate or ninja

is nominated for best adaptation of a boring life

is nominated for best actor not playing a retard, drunk, or insane person

thinks Sarah Palin should win for best actor playing a retard, drunk or insane person.

would like to thank the academy

is nominated for best portrayal of status update.

should win best performance in pretending to understand the ending of No Country For Old Men

says, "This too shall pass gas."

doesn't want you to die before he gets the chance to kill you himself.

is hoping that he doesn't have to Bitch Slap anybody on the bus tonight.

thinks nothing is better than pooing at work...you're getting paid to poo!

dodge-duck-dip-dive & dodge.

is worried about the Asian market: Origami Bank folded; Bonsai Bank's cutting back it's branches; Kamikaze Bank nose dived; 500 staff at Karate Bank got chopped.

tastes purple.

is boxing in the Smart Car parked in his spot. Not so smart now are you!? Mr. Smarty smart car!

thinks if monkeys stopped flinging around so much poop, that more people would eat them.

should be president! My name is NAME and I approve this message.

tastes great... is less filling... tastes great...

melts in your mouth, not in your hands.

is good to the last drop.

is magically delicious.

contains calcium, something your body uses anyways.

is cuckoo for cocoa puffs.

is lovn'n it!

is asking... "Can you hear me now?"

sometimes feels like a nut... sometimes he don't.

takes a licking and keeps on ticking.

keeps going and going and going...

has been informed... he has bankers... ahhh!

tastes awful, but he works!

is kid tested, mother approved.

is strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.

likes his coffee crisp!

is finger lick'n good!

is grrrrrrreat!

is an ancient Chinese secret

wants YOU!

Frosty...

can't wait to watch his favourite Christmas movie, "The Christmas That Almost Wasn't Due To Santa's Urinary Tract Infection"

is looking forward to the new Christmas special, "A Creepy, Creepy Christmas with Michael Jackson"

may not be the real Santa, but that doesn't mean I haven't seen you while you're sleeping.

is chugging NyQuil until sugar plums really are dancing in my head

is making "fruitcakes" out of stuff I find under my sofa cushions.

is eating her weight in figgy pudding

is inviting you to tickle her Elmo.

hated Christmas! The whole Christmas season! Now, please don't ask why. No one quite knows the reason.

is still trying to figure out what "police nabbed my dad" has to do with Christmas.

wonders that if Christmas, Father's Day and birthdays did not exist, then aftershave too, would not exist.

will update her Facebook status for money!

is so broke that she's going to KFC to lick other peoples fingers.

is so poor that she got married for the rice.

can't even afford the last letter to update her statu_!

is so broke that she went to the bank for a loan and they asked for their calender back.

is so poor that she can't even afford to pay attention.

is so broke that she had to eat her cereal with a fork to save on milk.

is so poor she can't even give you her two cents!

is so broke that she can't afford to be wrong.

wonders if she can qualify for a government bailout package?

can see Alaska from her house.

is on a bridge to nowhere!

needs somebody to answer for me, what is it exactly that the VP does every day?

• is a pitbull with lipstick

• is gosh darn, a hockey mom, you betcha' wink wink

• says "hey you Russian... Shew shew... You can't stay in Alaska"

• told congress, "Thanks but no Thanks"

• is the mayor of Alaska, I can do whatever I want until the courts tell me I can't.

• knows what the Bush Doctrine is. It's just that in Alaska, we call him the gardener.

• 's e-mail account has been hacked by Sarah Palin!

• thinks calling you Joe 6-Pack is endearing not derogatory, gosh darn'.

• has got her heels on and her gloves off.

• is sad to report that at Toys R Us today, a Sarah Palin doll shot My Little Pony. :(

understands that hard work has a future payoff but Laziness pays off now.

thought he wanted a career, turns out I just wanted a pay-cheque

is just working here until a good fast food job opens up....

sees Chaos. Panic. Disorder. My work here is done

pretends to work. They pretend to pay me.

thinks ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

thinks work is for people who don't know how to fish!

just wants less to do, more time to do it, and higher pay for not getting it done.

is thinking that this isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

's co-workers think he's a hard worker because they hear all this typing on Facebook!

childproofed his house, but they still get in.

is still hot. It just comes in flashes.

thinks at her age, "getting lucky" means finding her car in the parking lot.

's reality cheque just bounced.

is not 50. I'm $49.95 plus tax.

says Buckle up. It makes it harder for the aliens to snatch you from your car.

is not a snob. I'm just better than you are.

says keep staring....I may do a trick.

is DANGEROUSLY under-medicated.

washes her mouth out with chocolate every time she hears the word "exercise".

a sauvignon with a perfume of piña coladas, an overly sweet riesling and a chardonnay so oaky it tasted as if it
had been aged in a box of No. 2 pencils.

a nonvintage tawny port that reminded me of long-abandoned Halloween candy, with hints of Skittles and off-brand caramels.

delightful, barrel-aged, full bodied, with distinct pineapple & honeysuckle aromas; good blend of wood & fruit with a hint of sweetness.

rich & fruity, underpinned by a generous amount of smoky oak; nice structured tannins penetrating ripe cherry nuances

elegant, yet approachable; peppery with a cherry aroma and hints of chocolate, rounded out by a great balance of oak & tannins

intense, a purple red color, cherries, plums, cedar, vanilla, well-structured & complex, rich with smooth tannins & deeply flavored

a luscious pure pleasure. Black cherry, and tobacco notes burst into textured fruit flavors followed by spicy black pepper and well-defined beautiful finish.

an inviting bowl of plump & juicy sweet berries with a splash of shiraz. Exciting, off-dry and enjoyed at room temperature or chilled on a warm summer day

very elegant, fresh style, combines a subtle oak spice with tobacco, dark chocolate and a hint of autumn dry-leaf aromas in the background.

Well-structured with a velvety smooth palate and firm mature tannin. Serve with roast duck breast.

has both intensity and concentration. A wild berry core is enhanced with hints of chocolate and mossy earthiness. A mid-weight wine, slightly tart and not too heavy

will be here all week. Thank-you. Thank-You Very much!

knows your jealous because the voices are talking to him and not you.

wonders... What is the speed of dark?

has too much blood in his caffeine system.

has calculated that half of his Facebook friends are below average.

is being spontaneous... tomorrow.

is joining the army. He hears it's a great way to meet people. Then kill them.

wants to remind you that it's even worse then you think.

didn't say it was your fault... I'm just blaming you...

is going around telling people that you're really 46

Says touch your head. Touch your nose. NAME didn't say touch your nose.

is really tired of kidney stones

smells better than he tastes

often rambles on and on about this and that seeming to be heading towards a point but really just blabbing
about nothing.

has a clear conscience or was that a bad memory?

is modest and proud of it!

is boycotting shampoo and demanding real poo!

was reviewing your profile but couldn't turn the suck down!

is a vegetarian, not because he loves animals but because he hates plants!

wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.

better than Ezra

typing feverishly on his Blackberry pretending to do work but really updating his Facebook status

the guy who stole the frigg'n cookie from the cookie jar. Now shutup!

pleased to meet you. Hope you guessed my name.

being recalled by Fisher Price because he may contain traces of led paint

stomping his feet because he's happy and he knows it.

going..... and going..... and going..... and going....

sdrawkcab gnipyT

inviting you to play with his touchscreen.

secretly hoping the video he and Paris made last night is released on TMZ

lost in translation

writing a paper called "Sex and Pregnancy: A Possible Connection"

presenting his thesis on "E=MC3: That's Right, Einstein, I Said Cubed!"

being interviewed on his new novel "Sweet and Sour Pork: How Can It Be Both? At The Same Time?"

Gathering research for his essay, "Lincoln: The Man, The President, The Town Car"

Wondering if his new research grant will accept his thesis, "Whoops!: I Blew My $800,000 Research Grant At The
MGM Grand Casino"

Pondering the scientific evidence to support the claim "Kraft Macaroni & Cheese: So Cheesy, It Should Be Called 'Kraft Cheese & Macaroni'"

reviewing extensive analysis on the topic "There Sure Are A Lot of 'Smiths' In The Phone Book, Dude"

writing his final paper called "The Isotope Conjecture: A Fake Title So My Wife Won't Look Inside Here and See My Letters To Penthouse Forum"

a bit disappointed he didn't win the Nobel Prize as evidenced by his book "Why The People Who Award The Nobel Prize Are A Bunch Of Jerks"

doing scientific research on "Gravity: The Devil's Tool"

shaking it like a polaroid picture

shaken not stirred

brought to you by the letters W T F

raging against the machine!

taking his sugar with coffee and creme

currently out of his mind but please feel free to leave a message

the one that put a hole in the ozone layer

drinking in a box, NAME is drinking with a Fox, NAME will drink green beer and Rum, NAME will drink them till he's numb...
is the reason the chicken crossed the road

NAME is...

with your girlfriend.

filmed before a live stuido audience

trapped in the facebook status message textbox; send help!

not the droid you're looking for.

not your friend.

finding your lack of faith disturbing

sensing something; a presence he hasn't felt since...

better than you.

not for everyone. Clinical tests show that he may cause nausea, fatigue, and kidney or liver problems. Ask your doctor if he is right for you

gonna kick your rear end from here to Tienanmen Square.

made of meat. Your whole family is made of meat

a lumberjack and he's okay. He drinks all night and works all day

the second coming

the patron saint of quality footwear.

certain that in the topsy-turvy world of heavy rock, having a good solid piece of wood in your hand is often useful.

wondering how far is all the way, and then if it stops, what's stopping it, and what's behind what's stopping it? So, what's the end, you know, is my question.

thinking that as long as there's, you know, sex and drugs, he can do without the rock and roll.

sure he'd feel much worse if he weren't under such heavy sedation

raising a practical question at this point? Are we gonna do "Stonehenge" tomorrow?

a believer of everything he reads. It makes him a more selective person.

one louder. Isn't he?

saying love your brother. He's not literally saying it. He's not literally meaning it. But he's not a racist. That message should be clear anyways.

disappointed with the opening band. The crowd was still booing them when he went on stage.

sad his friend died in a bizarre gardening accident. Authorities said... best leave it... unsolved.

sure that they misunderestimated me!

adamant that if we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure!

on a mission because for every fatal shooting, there were roughly three non-fatal shootings and, folks, this is unacceptable in America!

positive that the human being and fish can coexist peacefully.

believing in what I believe — I believe what I believe is right.

not wanting to sound like I have made no mistakes. I'm confident I have. I'm not as quick on my feet as I should be in coming up with one.

just wanting you to know that, when we talk about war, we're really talking about peace.

letting you know, fool me once, shame on you. Fool me — you can't get fooled again!

aware that our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we.

agonizing that too many OB-GYNs aren't able to practice their love with women all across this country.
reminding you, teach a child to read, and he or her will be able to pass a literacy test

having the best day of my life, and I owe it all to not going to Church!

assuring you that it's not easy juggling a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to squeeze in 8 hours of Facebook a day.

going to miss you so much. And it's not just the sex. It's also the food preparation.

known for his motivational skills. Everyone always says they have to work twice as hard when I'm around!
sure that if there's one thing America needs, it's more lawyers.

, unlike most of you, not a nut!

in awe! Reading and writing actually paid off!

Funny Facebook Status Updates

2010-05-27T09:45:00.000-07:00

really wishes she could but, I have to answer all of my "occupant" letters.

really wishes she could but, I changed the lock on my door and now I can't get out.

really wishes she could but, I'm attending a perfume convention as guest sniffer.

really wishes she could but, My yucca plant is feeling yucky.

really wishes she could but, I just picked up a book called Glue in Many Lands and I can't put it down.

really wishes she could but, I promised to help a friend fold road maps.

really wishes she could but, I have to rotate my crops.

feels ashamed of his smoking but it's better that I smoke this and let the dreams of the cigarette workers come true then to be selfish & worry about my lungs.

notices that when the best actors are chosen by other actors, it's called the Oscars. When the best actors are chosen by the people, it's called an election.

thinks that a day without sunshine is like night.

[your name] is sleeping because he’s not nocturnal.

[your name] is training to withstand sleep deprivation torture.

[your name] is wondering when they invented the word neologism… what did they call it?

[your name] is showing his colleagues your profile and they’re all laughing at your picture.

[your name] is just got back from his probation hearing.

[your name] has logically deduced, absolute knowledge corrupts absolutely, therefore he is giving up studying and sleeping

[your name] is presenting his thesis on “E=MC3: That’s Right, Einstein, I Said Cubed!”

[your name] is being interviewed on his new novel “Sweet and Sour Pork: How Can It Be Both? At The Same Time?”

[your name] is gathering research for his essay, “Lincoln: The Man, The President, The Town Car”

[your name] is wondering if his new research grant will accept his thesis, “Whoops!: I Blew My £800,000 Research Grant At The MGM Grand Casino”

[your name] is pondering the scientific evidence to support the claim “Kraft Macaroni & Cheese: So Cheesy, It Should Be Called ‘Kraft Cheese & Macaroni’”

[your name] is reviewing extensive analysis on the topic “There Sure Are A Lot of ‘Smiths’ In The Phone Book, Dude”

[your name] is a bit disappointed he didn’t win the Nobel Prize as evidenced by his book “Why The People Who Award The Nobel Prize Are A Bunch Of Jerks”

[your name] is doing scientific research on “Gravity: The Devil’s Tool”

[your name] is wondering why he must think of himself in the third-person to change his status.

[your name] is just now realizing he ran out of T.P.

[your name] is on furlough, sabbatical, hiatus, break.

[your name] is debating whether to take the blue pill or the red pill.

[your name] is the limit of x as it approaches perfection.

[your name] is the slope of the tangent line of the function f[x]=awesome.

[your name] is fighting the good fight.

[your name] is the stuff that dreams are made of

[your name] is Walking here

[your name] is in need of a bigger boat

[your name] is Frankly, not giving a damn.

[your name] is going to make hermit crabs live together

[your name] is an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, nestled in a sesame seed bun of mystery.

[your name] is learning to stop worrying and love the bomb.

[your name] is gunter glieben glauchen globen

[your name] is therefore he thinks Thanks

[YOUR NAME] understands that hard work has a future payoff but Laziness pays off now.

[YOUR NAME] thought he wanted a career, turns out I just wanted a pay-cheque

[YOUR NAME] is just working here until a good fast food job opens up....

[YOUR NAME] sees Chaos. Panic. Disorder. My work here is done

[YOUR NAME] pretends to work. They pretend to pay me.

[YOUR NAME] thinks ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

[YOUR NAME] thinks work is for people who don't know how to fish!

[YOUR NAME] just wants less to do, more time to do it, and higher pay for not getting it done.

[YOUR NAME] is thinking that this isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

[YOUR NAME]'s co-workers think he's a hard worker because they hear all this typing on Facebook!

[YOUR NAME] childproofed his house, but they still get in.

[YOUR NAME] is still hot. It just comes in flashes.

[YOUR NAME] thinks at her age, "getting lucky" means finding her car in the parking lot.

[YOUR NAME]'s reality cheque just bounced.

[YOUR NAME] says Buckle up. It makes it harder for the aliens to snatch you from your car.

[YOUR NAME] is not a snob. I'm just better than you are.

[YOUR NAME] says keep staring....I may do a trick.

[YOUR NAME] is DANGEROUSLY under-medicated.

[YOUR NAME] washes her mouth out with chocolate every time she hears the word "exercise".

Works for the department of redundant departments.

ask if you expect mere proof to sway his opinion?

wonders if you hear about the corduroy pillows? They're making headlines!

just found out that they took the word "gullible" out of the dictionary!

wonders if illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

reminds you to not play stupid with me! I'm better at it.

says don't read everything you believe.

says don't sweat petty things — or pet sweaty things.

pleads that you don't treat me any differently than you would the King.

is going to drink wet cement and get really stoned.

thinks that a clean house is a sign of a misspent life.

is going to have a day of firm decisions! Or am I?

thinks all the world's a stage. Too bad I missed rehearsal.

is going to borrow money from a pessimist. They don't expect to be paid back.

is proud to be modest!

says ask me about my vow of silence.

is living better through denial.

says blessed are they who go around in circles, for they shall be known as wheels.

is boldly going nowhere.

says cheer up, the worst is yet to come.

is cleverly disguised as a responsible adult.

couldn't myself have better it said.

hated it when old aunts used to come up to her at weddings, poke her in the ribs and cackle, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

Some people are like Slinkies - not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see them tumble down the stairs.

says "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar!"

thinks its OK to beat up an old lady, if its at Costco, or if she really had it coming.

may kill you in the morning.

reminds you that when we resort to violence, nobody wins. Wait, that's wrong. I win...always!!! Got that! ALWAYS!!!!

thinks it's impossible to look at a baby penguin and not get angry!

Shut-up!

NAME...

was denied adoption of a baby boy from Malawi.

doesn't use big words when a diminutive one will suffice

will never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night again!

is reading his friends' statuses and adding 'in bed' to the end of each one.

is for external use only. See your doctor before administering.

will never put salt in my eye. never Put Salt in my eye. Put Salt in my eye. Always put salt in my eye.

didn't mean to accept your friend request. This is the last status you will read.

is only a test. If this were the real NAME, and not a test, you would have been informed.

never makes stupid mistakes ..... only very clever ones .....

gets drunk on one drink. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.

would like you to give him back that filet o' fish! Give me that fish!

really wishes she could but, I have to floss my cat.

really wishes she could but, I want to spend more time with my blender.

really wishes she could but, I'm teaching my ferret to yodel.

really wishes she could but, I swallowed my gold crown this morning, and I have to wait here until it comes out the other end.

really wishes she could but, My panty hose sprung a leak.

really wishes she could but, I have to stay home and wash my tongue.

really wishes she could but, I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products.

really wishes she could but, I'm getting my overalls overhauled.

really wishes she could but, My patent is pending.

really wishes she could but, I'm worried about my vertical hold.

really wishes she could but, I have to fulfill my potential.

really wishes she could but, I have some real hard words to look up in the dictionary.

really wishes she could but, I'm giving nuisance lessons at a convenience store.

really wishes she could but, I've got a Friends of Rutabaga meeting.

really wishes she could but, I have to answer all of my "occupant" letters.

really wishes she could but, I changed the lock on my door and now I can't get out.

really wishes she could but, I'm attending a perfume convention as guest sniffer.

really wishes she could but, My yucca plant is feeling yucky.

really wishes she could but, I just picked up a book called Glue in Many Lands and I can't put it down.

really wishes she could but, I promised to help a friend fold road maps.

really wishes she could but, I have to rotate my crops.

feels ashamed of his smoking but it's better that I smoke this and let the dreams of the cigarette workers come

true then to be selfish & worry about my lungs.

notices that when the best actors are chosen by other actors, it's called the Oscars. When the best actors are chosen by the people, it's called an election.

thinks that a day without sunshine is like night.

Facebook Status Ideas

2010-05-27T09:40:00.000-07:00

[your name] served in the military under General Apathy.

[your name] is trying to think of clever things to say after inhaling from a helium balloon.

[your name] Facts: 1) Ninjas are mammals. 2) Ninjas fight ALL the time. 3) The purpose of the Ninja is to flip out and kill people.

[your name] found a shortcut for next week’s marathon.

[your name] is revoking your creative license.

[your name] is leveraging core competencies across the extraprise

[your name], it turns out, isn’t a Jedi

[your name]’s hobby is collecting dust

[your name] puts the pro in procrastinate

[your name] hears a voice in his head saying, “hey, can I join in?”

[your name] needs to learn how to type with more than two fingers

[your name] is hammering out a wicked comeback

[your name] is Jack’s complete lack of surprise.

[your name] is calm as a Hindu cow

[your name] is so fly he’s growing wings.

[your name] needs help watering the plastic flowers.

[your name] is going through a shrinking spurt.

[your name] can do astonishing feats of MENTALISM!

[your name] says, do me a favor, and don’t do me anymore favors!

[your name] suffers from uncontrollable falling down.

[your name] says, Absotively posilutely!

[your name] is learning the art of driving a giant, nuclear powered duck.

[your name] says, cannibals are what they eat.

[your name] is on a joyride to sanity looking for his marbles.

[your name]’s train of thought has derailed

[your name]’s mono isn’t getting better…it could turn into stereo.

[your name] says, electric heaters make great house-warming gifts!

[your name] is flossing with angel hair pasta.

[your name] has zero tolerance for lactose intolerance.

[your name] wonders, chai tea vs. tai chi?

[your name] wants you to know, there’s a great juggler on the radio tonight!

[your name] is amazed at the alarming drop-out rate of sky diving classes.

[your name] has a marvelous collection of spam recipes

[your name] is wondering, what does cheese say when you take its picture?

[your name] is reading ASAP’s Fables.

[your name] says, It’s not you, it’s me. I don’t like you.

[your name] is doing National Bring Your Hamster to work day.

[your name] says, It’s a small world so you have to use your elbows a lot.

[your name] is asking for your daughter’s paw in marriage.

[your name] now knows the hazards of storing plutonium in Tupperware.

[your name] is workin’ like a one-armed paper-hanger with an itch…

[your name] thinks its cheaper to fly to Old Zealand than New Zealand.

[your name] is cooking pork chops in the toaster

[your name] says, save the whales! Collect the whole set!

[your name] is the walrus

[your name] is getting time-off for good behavior.

[your name] asks that you quote him as saying he was misquoted.

[your name] has 20/20 hearing!

[your name] says, Oh no! Not another learning experience!

[your name] says, These aren’t the droids we’re looking for.

[your name] wishes you a Happy New Now!

[your name] says, wake me up when it’s time to go to sleep.

[your name] is carving watermelons on Halloween.

[your name] is eating pasta with chopsticks.

[your name]’s favorite color is Vanna White.

[your name] is sorry he missed you. Stand still next time.

[your name] is out of his mind, but feel free to leave a message.

[your name] is wondering, is your coffee table decaf?

[your name] is dropping science like Galileo dropped the orange

Clever Facebook Status

2010-05-27T09:38:00.000-07:00

[your name] changed his profile picture. Now he looks a little less ugly.

Ben was tagged in a picture. Ben added a comment “that’s not me”. Cindey added a comment “then who is it next to the girl in the bikini?” Ben changed his relationship status to single.

[your name] added the “are you interested in a stalker” application

[your name] joined facebook. [your name] sent 12,287 messages to random women. [your name] left facebook.

[your name] commented on his photo “you are amazing”

[your name] is staring at his facebook waiting for messages to arrive.

[your name] wants to make a jigsaw puzzle that’s 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says ‘go outside.’

[your name] wonders what the word for dots looks like in braille

[your name] is loving and hating facebook - On the downside, it’s loaded with sexual predators. On the plus side, it’s also loaded with sexual prey.

[your name] went into a clothes store and a lady came up to him and said “if you need anything, I’m Jill”. he’s never met anyone with a conditional identity before.

[your name]’s favorite fruit is grapes. Because with grapes, you always get another chance. ‘Cause, you know, if you have a crappy apple or a peach, you’re stuck with that crappy piece of fruit. But if you have a crappy grape, no problem - just move on to the next. ‘Grapes: The Fruit of Hope.

[your name] was making pancakes the other day and a fly flew into the kitchen. And that’s when he realized that a spatula is a lot like a fly-swatter. And a crushed fly is a lot like a blueberry. And a roommate is a lot like a fly eater.

[your name] used to play sports. Then he realized you can buy trophies. Now he’s good at everything.
[your name] is at two with nature

[your name] doesn’t want to achieve immortality through his work… [your name] wants to achieve it through not dying.

[your name] places his boss under a pedestal.

[your name] took a speed reading course and read ‘War and Peace’ in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.

[your name] is astounded by people who want to ‘know’ the universe when it’s hard enough to find your way around tel aviv

[your name] is hoping God would give him some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in his name in a Swiss bank.

[your name] is pondering that life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it’s all over much too soon.

[your name] is sure that money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

[your name] is quoting the bible: “The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won’t get much sleep

[your name] is asking those who believe in psychokinesis to raise his hand.

[your name] has almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left him before they met.

[your name] is wondering about the speed of dark?

[your name] is wondering how do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

[your name] is trying to support bacteria - they’re the only culture some people have.

[your name] is thinking that hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

[your name] is sure he has a photographic memory. He just doesn’t have film.

[your name] is using his shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

[your name] is intending to live forever - so far, so good.

[your name] is thinking to join the army - join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.

[your name] is dancing - Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.

[your name] is asking who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

[your name] just got scared half to death twice

[your name] used to have an open mind but his brains kept falling out.

[your name] couldn’t repair your brakes, so he made your horn louder.

[your name] is getting x-rayed - The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

[your name] is eating toast- The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

[your name] is itching - The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

[your name] is researching a paper - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

[your name] is planning to be spontaneous tomorrow.
your name] always wanted to be somebody. Now he realizes that he should have been more specific.

[your name] had a dream last night, he was eating a ten pound marshmallow. He woke up this morning and his pillow was gone.

[your name] is happy of the advantages of his being disorderly - he is constantly making exciting discoveries

[your name] is ready to kill for a Nobel Peace Prize

[your name] is proud somebody actually complimented him on his driving abilities today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said ‘Parking Fine.

[your name] is saying a joke: A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: ‘Can I help, sir?’ ‘No thanks,’ says the blind bloke. ‘just looking'.

[your name] shot an elephant in his pajamas one morning. How he got into [your name] pajamas he’ll never know.

[your name] knew he was an unwanted baby when he saw that his bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
[your name] is planning a vacation and is leaning towards Pisa.

[your name] wants to expand the NFL season to 162 games.

[your name]’s NOT fat…that’s his money belt.

[your name] is a stereotype. I’m not wrong. I’m cuddly.

[your name] is writing: Anachronistic Antidisestablishmentarianism: A Case Study.

[your name] sees golf-ball sized hail! Grab your 9-iron and let’s go…

[your name] is thinking Pandora didn’t think outside the box.

[your name] brakes for unicorns.

[your name] is the kid next door’s imaginary friend.