New Year Funny Facebook Status

This time next year I'll be laughing in the face of the Mayans.  End of the world? Pfttt.

At this time of year there are more overweight people in the developed world than average weight people. So overweight people are now average, which means I’ve met my New Year’s resolution.

New year, same goal.

2011 is nearly over so like this status if I've made you smile at any time this year.

New Year’s is a harmless annual institution, of no particular use to anybody save as a scapegoat for promiscuous drunks, and friendly calls and humbug resolutions.

R.I.P. 2011 (2011-2011)


A New Year’s resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.

My new years resolution is to start buying lottery tickets at a luckier store.

I'm planning on finding new and interesting things to hate about my job in 2012.

My 2012 New Year’s resolution is to adhere to my resolutions for longer than 24 hours.

My 2012 new year’s resolution is to be more optimistic by looking at my glass half-full (with either rum, vodka, or whiskey).

New Years Eve – one of the only days when it is socially acceptable to start drinking this early.

Looking back with gratitude, looking forward with hope.

I'm actually feeling pretty okay about not accomplishing anything this year

There have been many times in 2011, when I have annoyed you, distubed you, irritated you, bugged you… today I just wanna tell you… I plan to continue in 2012!

Wishing everyone an extremely Happy New Year! May we all lose our belly fat and unsightly pimples, get gorgeous hair and hefty pay-raises and may the wrath of the Almighty fall upon anyone who looks prettier than us in group photographs.

New Years Eve; Helping ugly people get laid since 1 AD.

Christmas Facebook & Twitter Updates

There are four stages in life: 1) You believe in Santa Claus. 2) You don’t believe in Santa Claus. 3) You are Santa Claus. 4) You look like Santa Claus.

I may not be the real Santa, but that doesn’t mean I haven’t seen you while you’re sleeping!

I can’t wait to watch her favourite Christmas movie, “The Christmas That Almost Wasn’t Due To Santa’s Urinary Tract Infection”

is eating his weight in figgy pudding

What happened when the snowman annoyed the snow-woman? She gave him the cold shoulder.

Why is Christmas just like another day at the office? You end up doing all the work and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit.

Anyone who believes that men are the equal of women has never seen a man trying to wrap a Christmas present.

Christmas is just plain weird. What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree in your living room eating candy and snacks out of your socks

How do you know Santa has to be a man? No woman would wear the same outfit year after year.

What do elves learn in school? The Elf-abet!

Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve? Because it soots him.

Why does Santa have 3 gardens? So he can ho-ho-ho.

What do snowmen eat for breakfast? Snowflakes.

What did Adam say on the day before Christmas? Its’ Christmas, Eve.

What did Tarzan sing at Christmas time? Jungle Bells

What’s red and white and red, red and white, and red and white? Santa Claus rolling down a hill!

Christmas is cancelled. I told Santa I’ve been good this year. He died laughing.

I’m not Santa. But you can still sit on my lap ;)

I’m the reason Santa even has a naughty list ;)
is in Santa’s workshop chasing elves!

is bringing you gold, frankincense and some whup-ass!

is going to stuff your stocking good.

kicked an elf today.

is going to slide down your chimney tonight. Wink. Wink.

What’s the difference between tiger woods and santa? Santa stopped at 3 ho’s.

I wish we could put up some of the Christmas spirit in jars and open a jar of it every month.

is excited for Christmas. What other time of the year can you sit around a dead tree and eat candy out of socks?

Where is that fat bastard?

Nothing like a dysfunctional family trying to function for the Holidays.

I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white dude would come into my neighborhood after dark.

Dear Santa, I was framed.

is starting to think that Santa just isn’t that into me.

the only Christmas spirit you’ll see from me this year is a bottle of rum under your tree.

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people once a year.

What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a new job the next day.

thinks it was a bad idea trying to be the angel on the top of the xmas tree. Now its flat and I have needles in my bum.

Christmas has been cancelled! Santa died laughing when I told him you’d been good this year!

Has got the perfect gift for the kids. A pack of batteries which at the bottom says ‘toy not included’.

Dear Santa, you are a perv. How do you know I’ve been naughty?!

is reminding everyone not to eat yellow snow.

is for life, not just for Christmas.

Dear Santa, I promise to be good next year… ;)

is on Santa’s VIP list

Would you like some Christmas spirit? Now where did I put that vodka…

I can’t tell you what I want for xmas. I’d end up on the naughty list for sure ;)

Dear Santa, I can explain…