50 Clever & Funny Status Updates

Nothing to do with Grayson Chance or Ellen DeGeneres before you ask!

Grayson  feels like getting some work done...and so he is sitting down until the feeling passes.

Ellen used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she's good at everything.

Grayson is color blind and trying to solve a rubiks cube... This could take a while...

Ellen dreams of a better world...where chickens can cross the road without having their motives questioned :0)

Grayson Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper

Ellen "Good morning...I see the assassins have failed."

Grayson says my computer just beat me at chess...but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

Ellen is cle'a]ni.ng he'r ke]yb29oa;rd

Grayson Got out of jury duty by prefacing every answer with "according to the prophecy"

Ellen is Loading ████████████ 99%

Grayson - People reckon I'm too patronising (that means I treat them as if they're stupid).

Ellen Have you ever had a fly or small bug land on your computer screen and your first reaction is to try and scare it with the cursor?

Grayson I have an oven with a 'stop time' button. It's probably meant to be 'stop timer' but I don't touch it, just in case.

Ellen It recently became apparent to me that the letters 'T' and 'G' are far too close together on a keyboard. This is why I'll never be ending an e-mail with the phrase "Regards" ever again.

Grayson How To Be A Hero tip: When destroying the enemy be sure to kill all the criminals in reverse order of importance before confronting the kingpin himself.

Ellen went to the book store earlier to buy a 'Where's Wally' book. When I got there, I couldn't find the book anywhere. Well played Wally, well played.

Grayson Don't waste money on expensive ipods. Simply think of your favourite tune and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", think of another song you like and hum that instead.

Ellen What do we want? PROCRASTINATION! When do we want it?... Next week.

Grayson My wife said I'm too immature and if I don't grow up it's going to erect a barrier between us. Ha ha ha, erect.

Ellen Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarfs aren't happy.

Grayson is wondering why his daughter's diaper holds no where near the 22-37 pounds it promises.

Ellen is proud of herself. She finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said 2-4 years.

Grayson doesn't suffer from insanity... he enjoys every minute of it.

Ellen ║▌║█║▌║▌║█║▌│║▌║█║▌║▌││║▌║ *ZAP* *BEEP* Price: £2.43

Grayson is wondering where Noah kept woodpeckers on his ark

Ellen thinks that if your relationship status says, "It's complicated" that you should stop kidding yourself and change it to "Single"

Grayson before you use the bathroom in someones house make sure you check they have toilet paper!!

Grayson is cleaning out his medicine cabinet of expired prescriptions with a glass of water and several mystery pills at a time.

Ellen Be nice to nerds, Chances are you will be working for them.

Grayson is normally not a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me Superman.

Ellen is experiencing life at a rate of several wtf's a minute

Grayson just received a coupon in the mail: Buy one sock, get one FREE! While socks last.

Ellen would rather check her facebook than face her checkbook.

Grayson believes that if you tell your boss what you really think of him, the truth will set you free.

Ellen got her test results back this morning and is shocked to find that she's been diagnosed with OCD. She's rung the doctors nine times to check if they're correct.

Grayson reckons anti-wrinkle cream doesn't work. If it did, women wouldn't have any fingerprints.

Ellen will one day get even... with all the people that have helped her.

Grayson Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.

Ellen People who live in stone houses shouldn't throw glasses.

Grayson Statistically, 132% of all people exaggerate.

Ellen Statistically 5/4 of people have trouble with fractions.

Grayson I hear there is scientific proof that birthdays are good for you... the more you have the longer you live.

Ellen I just read a list of 'the 100 things to do before you die'. I'm pretty surprised 'yell for help' wasn't one of them...

Grayson I've always wondered if film directors wake up screaming "CUT! CUT! CUUUUUT!" when they have nightmares.

Ellen TEIAM - problem solved

Grayson never questions authority, he annoys authority. More effect, less effort.

Ellen never judges a book by its cover. She uses the paragraph on the back, it tells you what the story is about.

Grayson’s Top Tip Of The Week: When going through airport customs and you are asked "do you have any firearms with you?" do not reply "what do you need?"

Another Batch of Twitter Updates

wondering, what's the point of going out, we're just going to end up back here anyway!

going to the backseat of my car with the woman I love, and I won't be back for TEN MINUTES.

wondering when will he ever learn... The answer to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on Facebook

sponge worthy

a close talker

a low talker

master of his domain

all real and they are spectacular

not able to spare a square

yada yada yada

a bad breaker-upper

bubble boy

stab worthy

NAME is...

the new Black

the devil you know

the lesser of 2 evils

yesterday's news

thinking inside the box because too many people are thinking outside the box.

a deadman walking

easier said then done

his own worst enemy

rushing in where angels fear to tread

knowing nothing and doubting nothing

having his cake and eating it too

NAME is...

Sure he'd feel worse if he wasn't so heavily sedated

A box of chocolates

magically delicious

made with 10% real juice!

a Toys R Us kid

the Prince of Belair

eating a Chiquita

made with calcium. Something your body needs anyways

insignificant next to the power of the force

dancing with the stars

master of his domain

NAME is...

pretty fly for a white guy

in a gadda da vida baby

psycho,-somatic addict, insane

wasting away down in Margaritaville

cruising the seas for American gold. we'd fire no guns. shed no tears. now i am a broken man on a Halifax pier.

the last of Barrett's Privateers

selling Peace but who's buying?

stomping his feet because he's happy and he knows it and he really wants to show it

a picker, a grinner, a lover and a sinner, play'n his music in the sun

tragically hip

doing the HUSTLE! doo du doo du doo du doo doo...

a well thought out twinkle

so sick from the drink I need home for a rest

bringing sexy back

bringing sexy back... to the store for a refund

rock n rolling all night long and partying every day

more human than human

tubthumping

bananas. B - A - N -A -N -A - S

elegantly wasted

dazed and confused for so long it's not true

afraid of Americans

so vain. He probably thinks this status is about him.

NAME is...

reading other statuses but your status is important to him. Please stay online and your status will be read in priority sequence. Approximate wait time 17 min

very very very slee

Right BEHIND YOU! Boo!

going around the house and renaming things so they all start with an "i" before Apple does it... such as his iToaster, his iToilet, and his iKids and iWife.all set...

Beer, Golf Clubs, Fising Rods, Tackle, shades, Tunes... Casual Fridays here I come!

the guy who put the laughter in manslaughter

to sexy for this status

bringing sexy back... to the store for a refund!

hip to your jive talk

dy-no-mite

wondering what will happen if he touches the red wire with the green wir#*&GB

the guy who put the FUN in dysfunctional

an undercover cop

calculating pi

America's next top model!

updating his Facebook status

plans on dressing up as Kanye West for Halloween and just before the kids yell "Trick or Treat", jump out of the bushes and yell "Christmas is better".

wants to remind you this Halloween, that as a general rule, don't solve riddles that open portals to Hell.

warns you this Halloween to beware of strangers bearing strange tools like chainsaws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, and band saws.

will have on his tomb stone, "See I told you I was SICK!"

is going to dress up as Kanye West and show up at Taylor Swift's house this Halloween.

hopes this Halloween, he doesn't end up with a bag full of restraining orders again.

wonders if he's getting old, or if others also ask for high fibre candy only on Halloween?

forgot to buy candy for the kids this Halloween but will offer them a bite of his sandwich.

hopes nobody else dresses up as Justus von Liebig, Father of biochemistry who recorded minerals in plant ash and proposed the law of minimum.

wonders if Lady Gaga dresses up as a normal person for Halloween???

Kanye West...

is interrupting Patrick Swayze's death to say that Michael Jackson's death was better.

would like to interrupt this Facebook status to tell you that Beyonce should have won best female video at the VMA's.

on the seventh day, took a break from creating the universe and rested.

wakes up every morning and experiences an exquisite joy – the joy of being Kanye West – and I ask myself in rapture: What wonderful things this Kanye West is going to accomplish today?

finds himself fascinating!

is a HUGE admirer of my own work and that of Beyonce's.

finds himself screaming for JOY when he sees himself in the mirror.

notices that the longer I live the more I see that I am never wrong about anything, and have only wasted my time debating any issue.

has three words for you: "BEYONCE for PRESIDENT!"

is so amazing that if I went to a bar... I'd pick myself up!

Is pissed off at Taylor Swift for interrupting his tirade on why Beyonce's video is the best video of all time.

lives vicariously... through himself.

once had an awkward moment just to see how it feels.

's reputation is expanding faster than the universe.

is the most interesting man in the world.

can speak French in Russian..

, my friends, is indeed.... THAT man.

's charm is so contagious that a vaccine was created for it.

's legend precedes him, like lightning precedes thunder.

was asked by Alien abductors to have him probe them

is a lover not a fighter, but he's also a fighter so don't get any ideas.

is going to help fight continental drift.

is stamping out, eliminating and abolishing redundancy!

fought the lawn and the lawn won.

knows it all. I just can't remember it all at once.

lives in his own little world, but it's OK — they know me here.

suffers occasional delusions of adequacy.

trys to make everyone's day a little more surreal.

is a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I'm perfect.

is not an actor, but I play one on TV.

has had fun before. This isn't it.

is wondering if less means more, then think how much more, would more be?

can't stand, it's intolerance.

says if things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me.

is dyslexic which means never having to say that you're yrros.

says dyslexics of the world, UNTIE!

stopped to think and forget to start again?

thinks everyone hates me because I'm paranoid.

thinks that friends help you move but real friends help you move bodies.

is geting behind early so he can have plenty of time to catch up

says "Give me ambiguity or give me something else."

Got milked?

thinks that happiness is a failure to understand how bad things really are.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

NAME...

says it's been a business doing pleasure with you.

is frustrated that he knows all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask him the questions.

says last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky, and I thought to myself, "Where is the ceiling?!"

notices that nobody ever says, "It's only a game" when their team is winning.

says "Oh no, not another learning experience!"

has seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.

woke up screaming realizing he hadn't fallen asleep yet.

This line intentionally left unjustified.

thinks this would be really funny if it weren't happening to me.

has calculated that three out of four Facebook contacts make up 75% of his friends list

Is starting to think that today is the tomorrow he worried about yesterday.

Top Facebook Status

thinks that if atheism is a religion, then not collecting stamps is a hobby.

is getting that Deja Fu feeling... That that somehow, somewhere, he's been kicked in the head like this before.

knows that some people say that he must be a horrible person, but that's not true. I have the heart of a young boy -- in a jar on my desk.

is wondering if he had everything, where would he keep it?

is reflecting that the cost of living hasn't affected it's popularity.

wonders if you ever noticed that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

thinks it's odd that people justify deer heads on their walls by saying they're beautiful animals. Hmmm.... I think my wife is beautiful.

says let's make February 15th OUR valentines day.

says there is someone for everyone but wasn't really thinking about you.

says don't worry... it's not contagious.

says, "you make me feel dead inside"... Happy Valentines Day

says on this Valentines days... Please don't make me choose between you and porn.

already killed some helpless flowers for you... what else do you want?

loves Valentines day, where nookie is only a box of chocolates away.

wants to remind you that nothing says "I love you" more than somebody else's words mass produced on re-cycled paper.

says nothing is more romantic than letting you know that I love you... via this Facebook Status update.

says, Roses are Red, Violets are Blue, It's Valentines Day, And I have a hangnail.
is honoured to just be nominated.

would like to thank you, my fans. Without you none of this would have been possible.

is nominated as best supporting actor in a documentary of a documentary.

would like to thank Lynard Skynard for not releasing an album.

is nominated for best performance by an actor in the role of a robot, pirate or ninja

is nominated for best adaptation of a boring life

is nominated for best actor not playing a retard, drunk, or insane person

thinks Sarah Palin should win for best actor playing a retard, drunk or insane person.

would like to thank the academy

is nominated for best portrayal of status update.

should win best performance in pretending to understand the ending of No Country For Old Men


says, "This too shall pass gas."

doesn't want you to die before he gets the chance to kill you himself.

is hoping that he doesn't have to Bitch Slap anybody on the bus tonight.

thinks nothing is better than pooing at work...you're getting paid to poo!

dodge-duck-dip-dive & dodge.

is worried about the Asian market: Origami Bank folded; Bonsai Bank's cutting back it's branches; Kamikaze Bank nose dived; 500 staff at Karate Bank got chopped.

tastes purple.

is boxing in the Smart Car parked in his spot. Not so smart now are you!? Mr. Smarty smart car!

thinks if monkeys stopped flinging around so much poop, that more people would eat them.

should be president! My name is NAME and I approve this message.

tastes great... is less filling... tastes great...

melts in your mouth, not in your hands.

is good to the last drop.

is magically delicious.

contains calcium, something your body uses anyways.

is cuckoo for cocoa puffs.

is lovn'n it!

is asking... "Can you hear me now?"

sometimes feels like a nut... sometimes he don't.

takes a licking and keeps on ticking.

keeps going and going and going...

has been informed... he has bankers... ahhh!

tastes awful, but he works!

is kid tested, mother approved.

is strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.

likes his coffee crisp!

is finger lick'n good!

is grrrrrrreat!

is an ancient Chinese secret

wants YOU!

Frosty...

can't wait to watch his favourite Christmas movie, "The Christmas That Almost Wasn't Due To Santa's Urinary Tract Infection"

is looking forward to the new Christmas special, "A Creepy, Creepy Christmas with Michael Jackson"

may not be the real Santa, but that doesn't mean I haven't seen you while you're sleeping.

is chugging NyQuil until sugar plums really are dancing in my head

is making "fruitcakes" out of stuff I find under my sofa cushions.

is eating her weight in figgy pudding

is inviting you to tickle her Elmo.

hated Christmas! The whole Christmas season! Now, please don't ask why. No one quite knows the reason.

is still trying to figure out what "police nabbed my dad" has to do with Christmas.

wonders that if Christmas, Father's Day and birthdays did not exist, then aftershave too, would not exist.

will update her Facebook status for money!

is so broke that she's going to KFC to lick other peoples fingers.

is so poor that she got married for the rice.

can't even afford the last letter to update her statu_!

is so broke that she went to the bank for a loan and they asked for their calender back.

is so poor that she can't even afford to pay attention.

is so broke that she had to eat her cereal with a fork to save on milk.

is so poor she can't even give you her two cents!

is so broke that she can't afford to be wrong.

wonders if she can qualify for a government bailout package?

can see Alaska from her house.

is on a bridge to nowhere!

needs somebody to answer for me, what is it exactly that the VP does every day?

• is a pitbull with lipstick

• is gosh darn, a hockey mom, you betcha' wink wink

• says "hey you Russian... Shew shew... You can't stay in Alaska"

• told congress, "Thanks but no Thanks"

• is the mayor of Alaska, I can do whatever I want until the courts tell me I can't.

• knows what the Bush Doctrine is. It's just that in Alaska, we call him the gardener.

• 's e-mail account has been hacked by Sarah Palin!

• thinks calling you Joe 6-Pack is endearing not derogatory, gosh darn'.

• has got her heels on and her gloves off.

• is sad to report that at Toys R Us today, a Sarah Palin doll shot My Little Pony. :(

understands that hard work has a future payoff but Laziness pays off now.

thought he wanted a career, turns out I just wanted a pay-cheque

is just working here until a good fast food job opens up....

sees Chaos. Panic. Disorder. My work here is done

pretends to work. They pretend to pay me.

thinks ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

thinks work is for people who don't know how to fish!

just wants less to do, more time to do it, and higher pay for not getting it done.

is thinking that this isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

's co-workers think he's a hard worker because they hear all this typing on Facebook!

childproofed his house, but they still get in.

is still hot. It just comes in flashes.

thinks at her age, "getting lucky" means finding her car in the parking lot.

's reality cheque just bounced.

is not 50. I'm $49.95 plus tax.

says Buckle up. It makes it harder for the aliens to snatch you from your car.

is not a snob. I'm just better than you are.

says keep staring....I may do a trick.

is DANGEROUSLY under-medicated.

washes her mouth out with chocolate every time she hears the word "exercise".

a sauvignon with a perfume of piña coladas, an overly sweet riesling and a chardonnay so oaky it tasted as if it
had been aged in a box of No. 2 pencils.

a nonvintage tawny port that reminded me of long-abandoned Halloween candy, with hints of Skittles and off-brand caramels.

delightful, barrel-aged, full bodied, with distinct pineapple & honeysuckle aromas; good blend of wood & fruit with a hint of sweetness.

rich & fruity, underpinned by a generous amount of smoky oak; nice structured tannins penetrating ripe cherry nuances

elegant, yet approachable; peppery with a cherry aroma and hints of chocolate, rounded out by a great balance of oak & tannins

intense, a purple red color, cherries, plums, cedar, vanilla, well-structured & complex, rich with smooth tannins & deeply flavored

a luscious pure pleasure. Black cherry, and tobacco notes burst into textured fruit flavors followed by spicy black pepper and well-defined beautiful finish.

an inviting bowl of plump & juicy sweet berries with a splash of shiraz. Exciting, off-dry and enjoyed at room temperature or chilled on a warm summer day

very elegant, fresh style, combines a subtle oak spice with tobacco, dark chocolate and a hint of autumn dry-leaf aromas in the background.

Well-structured with a velvety smooth palate and firm mature tannin. Serve with roast duck breast.

has both intensity and concentration. A wild berry core is enhanced with hints of chocolate and mossy earthiness. A mid-weight wine, slightly tart and not too heavy

will be here all week. Thank-you. Thank-You Very much!

knows your jealous because the voices are talking to him and not you.

wonders... What is the speed of dark?

has too much blood in his caffeine system.

has calculated that half of his Facebook friends are below average.

is being spontaneous... tomorrow.

is joining the army. He hears it's a great way to meet people. Then kill them.

wants to remind you that it's even worse then you think.

didn't say it was your fault... I'm just blaming you...

is going around telling people that you're really 46

Says touch your head. Touch your nose. NAME didn't say touch your nose.

is really tired of kidney stones

smells better than he tastes

often rambles on and on about this and that seeming to be heading towards a point but really just blabbing
about nothing.

has a clear conscience or was that a bad memory?

is modest and proud of it!

is boycotting shampoo and demanding real poo!

was reviewing your profile but couldn't turn the suck down!

is a vegetarian, not because he loves animals but because he hates plants!

wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.

better than Ezra

typing feverishly on his Blackberry pretending to do work but really updating his Facebook status

the guy who stole the frigg'n cookie from the cookie jar. Now shutup!

pleased to meet you. Hope you guessed my name.

being recalled by Fisher Price because he may contain traces of led paint

stomping his feet because he's happy and he knows it.

going..... and going..... and going..... and going....

sdrawkcab gnipyT

inviting you to play with his touchscreen.

secretly hoping the video he and Paris made last night is released on TMZ

lost in translation

writing a paper called "Sex and Pregnancy: A Possible Connection"

presenting his thesis on "E=MC3: That's Right, Einstein, I Said Cubed!"

being interviewed on his new novel "Sweet and Sour Pork: How Can It Be Both? At The Same Time?"

Gathering research for his essay, "Lincoln: The Man, The President, The Town Car"

Wondering if his new research grant will accept his thesis, "Whoops!: I Blew My $800,000 Research Grant At The
MGM Grand Casino"

Pondering the scientific evidence to support the claim "Kraft Macaroni & Cheese: So Cheesy, It Should Be Called 'Kraft Cheese & Macaroni'"

reviewing extensive analysis on the topic "There Sure Are A Lot of 'Smiths' In The Phone Book, Dude"

writing his final paper called "The Isotope Conjecture: A Fake Title So My Wife Won't Look Inside Here and See My Letters To Penthouse Forum"

a bit disappointed he didn't win the Nobel Prize as evidenced by his book "Why The People Who Award The Nobel Prize Are A Bunch Of Jerks"

doing scientific research on "Gravity: The Devil's Tool"

shaking it like a polaroid picture

shaken not stirred

brought to you by the letters W T F

raging against the machine!

taking his sugar with coffee and creme

currently out of his mind but please feel free to leave a message

the one that put a hole in the ozone layer

drinking in a box, NAME is drinking with a Fox, NAME will drink green beer and Rum, NAME will drink them till he's numb...
is the reason the chicken crossed the road

NAME is...

with your girlfriend.

filmed before a live stuido audience

trapped in the facebook status message textbox; send help!

not the droid you're looking for.

not your friend.

finding your lack of faith disturbing

sensing something; a presence he hasn't felt since...

better than you.

not for everyone. Clinical tests show that he may cause nausea, fatigue, and kidney or liver problems. Ask your doctor if he is right for you

gonna kick your rear end from here to Tienanmen Square.

made of meat. Your whole family is made of meat

a lumberjack and he's okay. He drinks all night and works all day

the second coming

the patron saint of quality footwear.

certain that in the topsy-turvy world of heavy rock, having a good solid piece of wood in your hand is often useful.

wondering how far is all the way, and then if it stops, what's stopping it, and what's behind what's stopping it? So, what's the end, you know, is my question.

thinking that as long as there's, you know, sex and drugs, he can do without the rock and roll.

sure he'd feel much worse if he weren't under such heavy sedation

raising a practical question at this point? Are we gonna do "Stonehenge" tomorrow?

a believer of everything he reads. It makes him a more selective person.

one louder. Isn't he?

saying love your brother. He's not literally saying it. He's not literally meaning it. But he's not a racist. That message should be clear anyways.

disappointed with the opening band. The crowd was still booing them when he went on stage.

sad his friend died in a bizarre gardening accident. Authorities said... best leave it... unsolved.

sure that they misunderestimated me!

adamant that if we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure!

on a mission because for every fatal shooting, there were roughly three non-fatal shootings and, folks, this is unacceptable in America!

positive that the human being and fish can coexist peacefully.

believing in what I believe — I believe what I believe is right.

not wanting to sound like I have made no mistakes. I'm confident I have. I'm not as quick on my feet as I should be in coming up with one.

just wanting you to know that, when we talk about war, we're really talking about peace.

letting you know, fool me once, shame on you. Fool me — you can't get fooled again!

aware that our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we.

agonizing that too many OB-GYNs aren't able to practice their love with women all across this country.
reminding you, teach a child to read, and he or her will be able to pass a literacy test

having the best day of my life, and I owe it all to not going to Church!

assuring you that it's not easy juggling a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to squeeze in 8 hours of Facebook a day.

going to miss you so much. And it's not just the sex. It's also the food preparation.

known for his motivational skills. Everyone always says they have to work twice as hard when I'm around!
sure that if there's one thing America needs, it's more lawyers.

, unlike most of you, not a nut!

in awe! Reading and writing actually paid off!

Funny Facebook Status Updates

really wishes she could but, I have to answer all of my "occupant" letters.

really wishes she could but, I changed the lock on my door and now I can't get out.

really wishes she could but, I'm attending a perfume convention as guest sniffer.

really wishes she could but, My yucca plant is feeling yucky.

really wishes she could but, I just picked up a book called Glue in Many Lands and I can't put it down.

really wishes she could but, I promised to help a friend fold road maps.

really wishes she could but, I have to rotate my crops.

feels ashamed of his smoking but it's better that I smoke this and let the dreams of the cigarette workers come true then to be selfish & worry about my lungs.

notices that when the best actors are chosen by other actors, it's called the Oscars. When the best actors are chosen by the people, it's called an election.

thinks that a day without sunshine is like night.

[your name] is sleeping because he’s not nocturnal.

[your name] is training to withstand sleep deprivation torture.

[your name] is wondering when they invented the word neologism… what did they call it?

[your name] is showing his colleagues your profile and they’re all laughing at your picture.

[your name] is just got back from his probation hearing.

[your name] has logically deduced, absolute knowledge corrupts absolutely, therefore he is giving up studying and sleeping

[your name] is presenting his thesis on “E=MC3: That’s Right, Einstein, I Said Cubed!”

[your name] is being interviewed on his new novel “Sweet and Sour Pork: How Can It Be Both? At The Same Time?”

[your name] is gathering research for his essay, “Lincoln: The Man, The President, The Town Car”

[your name] is wondering if his new research grant will accept his thesis, “Whoops!: I Blew My £800,000 Research Grant At The MGM Grand Casino”

[your name] is pondering the scientific evidence to support the claim “Kraft Macaroni & Cheese: So Cheesy, It Should Be Called ‘Kraft Cheese & Macaroni’”

[your name] is reviewing extensive analysis on the topic “There Sure Are A Lot of ‘Smiths’ In The Phone Book, Dude”

[your name] is a bit disappointed he didn’t win the Nobel Prize as evidenced by his book “Why The People Who Award The Nobel Prize Are A Bunch Of Jerks”

[your name] is doing scientific research on “Gravity: The Devil’s Tool”

[your name] is wondering why he must think of himself in the third-person to change his status.

[your name] is just now realizing he ran out of T.P.

[your name] is on furlough, sabbatical, hiatus, break.

[your name] is debating whether to take the blue pill or the red pill.

[your name] is the limit of x as it approaches perfection.

[your name] is the slope of the tangent line of the function f[x]=awesome.

[your name] is fighting the good fight.

[your name] is the stuff that dreams are made of

[your name] is Walking here

[your name] is in need of a bigger boat

[your name] is Frankly, not giving a damn.

[your name] is going to make hermit crabs live together

[your name] is an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, nestled in a sesame seed bun of mystery.

[your name] is learning to stop worrying and love the bomb.

[your name] is gunter glieben glauchen globen

[your name] is therefore he thinks Thanks

[YOUR NAME] understands that hard work has a future payoff but Laziness pays off now.

[YOUR NAME] thought he wanted a career, turns out I just wanted a pay-cheque

[YOUR NAME] is just working here until a good fast food job opens up....

[YOUR NAME] sees Chaos. Panic. Disorder. My work here is done

[YOUR NAME] pretends to work. They pretend to pay me.

[YOUR NAME] thinks ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

[YOUR NAME] thinks work is for people who don't know how to fish!

[YOUR NAME] just wants less to do, more time to do it, and higher pay for not getting it done.

[YOUR NAME] is thinking that this isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

[YOUR NAME]'s co-workers think he's a hard worker because they hear all this typing on Facebook!

[YOUR NAME] childproofed his house, but they still get in.

[YOUR NAME] is still hot. It just comes in flashes.

[YOUR NAME] thinks at her age, "getting lucky" means finding her car in the parking lot.

[YOUR NAME]'s reality cheque just bounced.

[YOUR NAME] says Buckle up. It makes it harder for the aliens to snatch you from your car.

[YOUR NAME] is not a snob. I'm just better than you are.

[YOUR NAME] says keep staring....I may do a trick.

[YOUR NAME] is DANGEROUSLY under-medicated.

[YOUR NAME] washes her mouth out with chocolate every time she hears the word "exercise".

Works for the department of redundant departments.

ask if you expect mere proof to sway his opinion?

wonders if you hear about the corduroy pillows? They're making headlines!

just found out that they took the word "gullible" out of the dictionary!

wonders if illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

reminds you to not play stupid with me! I'm better at it.

says don't read everything you believe.

says don't sweat petty things — or pet sweaty things.

pleads that you don't treat me any differently than you would the King.

is going to drink wet cement and get really stoned.

thinks that a clean house is a sign of a misspent life.

is going to have a day of firm decisions! Or am I?

thinks all the world's a stage. Too bad I missed rehearsal.

is going to borrow money from a pessimist. They don't expect to be paid back.

is proud to be modest!

says ask me about my vow of silence.

is living better through denial.

says blessed are they who go around in circles, for they shall be known as wheels.

is boldly going nowhere.

says cheer up, the worst is yet to come.

is cleverly disguised as a responsible adult.

couldn't myself have better it said.

hated it when old aunts used to come up to her at weddings, poke her in the ribs and cackle, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

Some people are like Slinkies - not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see them tumble down the stairs.

says "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar!"

thinks its OK to beat up an old lady, if its at Costco, or if she really had it coming.

may kill you in the morning.

reminds you that when we resort to violence, nobody wins. Wait, that's wrong. I win...always!!! Got that! ALWAYS!!!!

thinks it's impossible to look at a baby penguin and not get angry!

Shut-up!

NAME...

was denied adoption of a baby boy from Malawi.

doesn't use big words when a diminutive one will suffice

will never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night again!

is reading his friends' statuses and adding 'in bed' to the end of each one.

is for external use only. See your doctor before administering.

will never put salt in my eye. never Put Salt in my eye. Put Salt in my eye. Always put salt in my eye.

didn't mean to accept your friend request. This is the last status you will read.

is only a test. If this were the real NAME, and not a test, you would have been informed.

never makes stupid mistakes ..... only very clever ones .....

gets drunk on one drink. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.

would like you to give him back that filet o' fish! Give me that fish!

really wishes she could but, I have to floss my cat.

really wishes she could but, I want to spend more time with my blender.

really wishes she could but, I'm teaching my ferret to yodel.

really wishes she could but, I swallowed my gold crown this morning, and I have to wait here until it comes out the other end.

really wishes she could but, My panty hose sprung a leak.

really wishes she could but, I have to stay home and wash my tongue.

really wishes she could but, I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products.

really wishes she could but, I'm getting my overalls overhauled.

really wishes she could but, My patent is pending.

really wishes she could but, I'm worried about my vertical hold.

really wishes she could but, I have to fulfill my potential.

really wishes she could but, I have some real hard words to look up in the dictionary.

really wishes she could but, I'm giving nuisance lessons at a convenience store.

really wishes she could but, I've got a Friends of Rutabaga meeting.

really wishes she could but, I have to answer all of my "occupant" letters.

really wishes she could but, I changed the lock on my door and now I can't get out.

really wishes she could but, I'm attending a perfume convention as guest sniffer.

really wishes she could but, My yucca plant is feeling yucky.

really wishes she could but, I just picked up a book called Glue in Many Lands and I can't put it down.

really wishes she could but, I promised to help a friend fold road maps.

really wishes she could but, I have to rotate my crops.

feels ashamed of his smoking but it's better that I smoke this and let the dreams of the cigarette workers come

true then to be selfish & worry about my lungs.

notices that when the best actors are chosen by other actors, it's called the Oscars. When the best actors are chosen by the people, it's called an election.

thinks that a day without sunshine is like night.

Facebook Status Ideas

[your name] served in the military under General Apathy.

[your name] is trying to think of clever things to say after inhaling from a helium balloon.

[your name] Facts: 1) Ninjas are mammals. 2) Ninjas fight ALL the time. 3) The purpose of the Ninja is to flip out and kill people.

[your name] found a shortcut for next week’s marathon.

[your name] is revoking your creative license.

[your name] is leveraging core competencies across the extraprise

[your name], it turns out, isn’t a Jedi

[your name]’s hobby is collecting dust

[your name] puts the pro in procrastinate

[your name] hears a voice in his head saying, “hey, can I join in?”

[your name] needs to learn how to type with more than two fingers

[your name] is hammering out a wicked comeback

[your name] is Jack’s complete lack of surprise.

[your name] is calm as a Hindu cow

[your name] is so fly he’s growing wings.

[your name] needs help watering the plastic flowers.

[your name] is going through a shrinking spurt.

[your name] can do astonishing feats of MENTALISM!

[your name] says, do me a favor, and don’t do me anymore favors!

[your name] suffers from uncontrollable falling down.

[your name] says, Absotively posilutely!

[your name] is learning the art of driving a giant, nuclear powered duck.

[your name] says, cannibals are what they eat.

[your name] is on a joyride to sanity looking for his marbles.

[your name]’s train of thought has derailed

[your name]’s mono isn’t getting better…it could turn into stereo.

[your name] says, electric heaters make great house-warming gifts!

[your name] is flossing with angel hair pasta.

[your name] has zero tolerance for lactose intolerance.

[your name] wonders, chai tea vs. tai chi?

[your name] wants you to know, there’s a great juggler on the radio tonight!

[your name] is amazed at the alarming drop-out rate of sky diving classes.

[your name] has a marvelous collection of spam recipes

[your name] is wondering, what does cheese say when you take its picture?

[your name] is reading ASAP’s Fables.

[your name] says, It’s not you, it’s me. I don’t like you.

[your name] is doing National Bring Your Hamster to work day.

[your name] says, It’s a small world so you have to use your elbows a lot.

[your name] is asking for your daughter’s paw in marriage.

[your name] now knows the hazards of storing plutonium in Tupperware.

[your name] is workin’ like a one-armed paper-hanger with an itch…

[your name] thinks its cheaper to fly to Old Zealand than New Zealand.

[your name] is cooking pork chops in the toaster

[your name] says, save the whales! Collect the whole set!

[your name] is the walrus

[your name] is getting time-off for good behavior.

[your name] asks that you quote him as saying he was misquoted.

[your name] has 20/20 hearing!

[your name] says, Oh no! Not another learning experience!

[your name] says, These aren’t the droids we’re looking for.

[your name] wishes you a Happy New Now!

[your name] says, wake me up when it’s time to go to sleep.

[your name] is carving watermelons on Halloween.

[your name] is eating pasta with chopsticks.

[your name]’s favorite color is Vanna White.

[your name] is sorry he missed you. Stand still next time.

[your name] is out of his mind, but feel free to leave a message.

[your name] is wondering, is your coffee table decaf?

[your name] is dropping science like Galileo dropped the orange

Clever Facebook Status

[your name] changed his profile picture. Now he looks a little less ugly.

Ben was tagged in a picture. Ben added a comment “that’s not me”. Cindey added a comment “then who is it next to the girl in the bikini?” Ben changed his relationship status to single.

[your name] added the “are you interested in a stalker” application

[your name] joined facebook. [your name] sent 12,287 messages to random women. [your name] left facebook.

[your name] commented on his photo “you are amazing”

[your name] is staring at his facebook waiting for messages to arrive.

[your name] wants to make a jigsaw puzzle that’s 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says ‘go outside.’

[your name] wonders what the word for dots looks like in braille

[your name] is loving and hating facebook - On the downside, it’s loaded with sexual predators. On the plus side, it’s also loaded with sexual prey.

[your name] went into a clothes store and a lady came up to him and said “if you need anything, I’m Jill”. he’s never met anyone with a conditional identity before.

[your name]’s favorite fruit is grapes. Because with grapes, you always get another chance. ‘Cause, you know, if you have a crappy apple or a peach, you’re stuck with that crappy piece of fruit. But if you have a crappy grape, no problem - just move on to the next. ‘Grapes: The Fruit of Hope.

[your name] was making pancakes the other day and a fly flew into the kitchen. And that’s when he realized that a spatula is a lot like a fly-swatter. And a crushed fly is a lot like a blueberry. And a roommate is a lot like a fly eater.

[your name] used to play sports. Then he realized you can buy trophies. Now he’s good at everything.
[your name] is at two with nature

[your name] doesn’t want to achieve immortality through his work… [your name] wants to achieve it through not dying.

[your name] places his boss under a pedestal.

[your name] took a speed reading course and read ‘War and Peace’ in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.

[your name] is astounded by people who want to ‘know’ the universe when it’s hard enough to find your way around tel aviv

[your name] is hoping God would give him some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in his name in a Swiss bank.

[your name] is pondering that life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it’s all over much too soon.

[your name] is sure that money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

[your name] is quoting the bible: “The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won’t get much sleep

[your name] is asking those who believe in psychokinesis to raise his hand.

[your name] has almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left him before they met.

[your name] is wondering about the speed of dark?

[your name] is wondering how do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?

[your name] is trying to support bacteria - they’re the only culture some people have.

[your name] is thinking that hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

[your name] is sure he has a photographic memory. He just doesn’t have film.

[your name] is using his shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

[your name] is intending to live forever - so far, so good.

[your name] is thinking to join the army - join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.

[your name] is dancing - Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.

[your name] is asking who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

[your name] just got scared half to death twice

[your name] used to have an open mind but his brains kept falling out.

[your name] couldn’t repair your brakes, so he made your horn louder.

[your name] is getting x-rayed - The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

[your name] is eating toast- The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

[your name] is itching - The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

[your name] is researching a paper - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

[your name] is planning to be spontaneous tomorrow.
your name] always wanted to be somebody. Now he realizes that he should have been more specific.

[your name] had a dream last night, he was eating a ten pound marshmallow. He woke up this morning and his pillow was gone.

[your name] is happy of the advantages of his being disorderly - he is constantly making exciting discoveries

[your name] is ready to kill for a Nobel Peace Prize

[your name] is proud somebody actually complimented him on his driving abilities today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said ‘Parking Fine.

[your name] is saying a joke: A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: ‘Can I help, sir?’ ‘No thanks,’ says the blind bloke. ‘just looking'.

[your name] shot an elephant in his pajamas one morning. How he got into [your name] pajamas he’ll never know.

[your name] knew he was an unwanted baby when he saw that his bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
[your name] is planning a vacation and is leaning towards Pisa.

[your name] wants to expand the NFL season to 162 games.

[your name]’s NOT fat…that’s his money belt.

[your name] is a stereotype. I’m not wrong. I’m cuddly.

[your name] is writing: Anachronistic Antidisestablishmentarianism: A Case Study.

[your name] sees golf-ball sized hail! Grab your 9-iron and let’s go…

[your name] is thinking Pandora didn’t think outside the box.

[your name] brakes for unicorns.

[your name] is the kid next door’s imaginary friend.