Top Facebook Status

thinks that if atheism is a religion, then not collecting stamps is a hobby.

is getting that Deja Fu feeling... That that somehow, somewhere, he's been kicked in the head like this before.

knows that some people say that he must be a horrible person, but that's not true. I have the heart of a young boy -- in a jar on my desk.

is wondering if he had everything, where would he keep it?

is reflecting that the cost of living hasn't affected it's popularity.

wonders if you ever noticed that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

thinks it's odd that people justify deer heads on their walls by saying they're beautiful animals. Hmmm.... I think my wife is beautiful.

says let's make February 15th OUR valentines day.

says there is someone for everyone but wasn't really thinking about you.

says don't worry... it's not contagious.

says, "you make me feel dead inside"... Happy Valentines Day

says on this Valentines days... Please don't make me choose between you and porn.

already killed some helpless flowers for you... what else do you want?

loves Valentines day, where nookie is only a box of chocolates away.

wants to remind you that nothing says "I love you" more than somebody else's words mass produced on re-cycled paper.

says nothing is more romantic than letting you know that I love you... via this Facebook Status update.

says, Roses are Red, Violets are Blue, It's Valentines Day, And I have a hangnail.
is honoured to just be nominated.

would like to thank you, my fans. Without you none of this would have been possible.

is nominated as best supporting actor in a documentary of a documentary.

would like to thank Lynard Skynard for not releasing an album.

is nominated for best performance by an actor in the role of a robot, pirate or ninja

is nominated for best adaptation of a boring life

is nominated for best actor not playing a retard, drunk, or insane person

thinks Sarah Palin should win for best actor playing a retard, drunk or insane person.

would like to thank the academy

is nominated for best portrayal of status update.

should win best performance in pretending to understand the ending of No Country For Old Men


says, "This too shall pass gas."

doesn't want you to die before he gets the chance to kill you himself.

is hoping that he doesn't have to Bitch Slap anybody on the bus tonight.

thinks nothing is better than pooing at work...you're getting paid to poo!

dodge-duck-dip-dive & dodge.

is worried about the Asian market: Origami Bank folded; Bonsai Bank's cutting back it's branches; Kamikaze Bank nose dived; 500 staff at Karate Bank got chopped.

tastes purple.

is boxing in the Smart Car parked in his spot. Not so smart now are you!? Mr. Smarty smart car!

thinks if monkeys stopped flinging around so much poop, that more people would eat them.

should be president! My name is NAME and I approve this message.

tastes great... is less filling... tastes great...

melts in your mouth, not in your hands.

is good to the last drop.

is magically delicious.

contains calcium, something your body uses anyways.

is cuckoo for cocoa puffs.

is lovn'n it!

is asking... "Can you hear me now?"

sometimes feels like a nut... sometimes he don't.

takes a licking and keeps on ticking.

keeps going and going and going...

has been informed... he has bankers... ahhh!

tastes awful, but he works!

is kid tested, mother approved.

is strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.

likes his coffee crisp!

is finger lick'n good!

is grrrrrrreat!

is an ancient Chinese secret

wants YOU!

Frosty...

can't wait to watch his favourite Christmas movie, "The Christmas That Almost Wasn't Due To Santa's Urinary Tract Infection"

is looking forward to the new Christmas special, "A Creepy, Creepy Christmas with Michael Jackson"

may not be the real Santa, but that doesn't mean I haven't seen you while you're sleeping.

is chugging NyQuil until sugar plums really are dancing in my head

is making "fruitcakes" out of stuff I find under my sofa cushions.

is eating her weight in figgy pudding

is inviting you to tickle her Elmo.

hated Christmas! The whole Christmas season! Now, please don't ask why. No one quite knows the reason.

is still trying to figure out what "police nabbed my dad" has to do with Christmas.

wonders that if Christmas, Father's Day and birthdays did not exist, then aftershave too, would not exist.

will update her Facebook status for money!

is so broke that she's going to KFC to lick other peoples fingers.

is so poor that she got married for the rice.

can't even afford the last letter to update her statu_!

is so broke that she went to the bank for a loan and they asked for their calender back.

is so poor that she can't even afford to pay attention.

is so broke that she had to eat her cereal with a fork to save on milk.

is so poor she can't even give you her two cents!

is so broke that she can't afford to be wrong.

wonders if she can qualify for a government bailout package?

can see Alaska from her house.

is on a bridge to nowhere!

needs somebody to answer for me, what is it exactly that the VP does every day?

• is a pitbull with lipstick

• is gosh darn, a hockey mom, you betcha' wink wink

• says "hey you Russian... Shew shew... You can't stay in Alaska"

• told congress, "Thanks but no Thanks"

• is the mayor of Alaska, I can do whatever I want until the courts tell me I can't.

• knows what the Bush Doctrine is. It's just that in Alaska, we call him the gardener.

• 's e-mail account has been hacked by Sarah Palin!

• thinks calling you Joe 6-Pack is endearing not derogatory, gosh darn'.

• has got her heels on and her gloves off.

• is sad to report that at Toys R Us today, a Sarah Palin doll shot My Little Pony. :(

understands that hard work has a future payoff but Laziness pays off now.

thought he wanted a career, turns out I just wanted a pay-cheque

is just working here until a good fast food job opens up....

sees Chaos. Panic. Disorder. My work here is done

pretends to work. They pretend to pay me.

thinks ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

thinks work is for people who don't know how to fish!

just wants less to do, more time to do it, and higher pay for not getting it done.

is thinking that this isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

's co-workers think he's a hard worker because they hear all this typing on Facebook!

childproofed his house, but they still get in.

is still hot. It just comes in flashes.

thinks at her age, "getting lucky" means finding her car in the parking lot.

's reality cheque just bounced.

is not 50. I'm $49.95 plus tax.

says Buckle up. It makes it harder for the aliens to snatch you from your car.

is not a snob. I'm just better than you are.

says keep staring....I may do a trick.

is DANGEROUSLY under-medicated.

washes her mouth out with chocolate every time she hears the word "exercise".

a sauvignon with a perfume of piña coladas, an overly sweet riesling and a chardonnay so oaky it tasted as if it
had been aged in a box of No. 2 pencils.

a nonvintage tawny port that reminded me of long-abandoned Halloween candy, with hints of Skittles and off-brand caramels.

delightful, barrel-aged, full bodied, with distinct pineapple & honeysuckle aromas; good blend of wood & fruit with a hint of sweetness.

rich & fruity, underpinned by a generous amount of smoky oak; nice structured tannins penetrating ripe cherry nuances

elegant, yet approachable; peppery with a cherry aroma and hints of chocolate, rounded out by a great balance of oak & tannins

intense, a purple red color, cherries, plums, cedar, vanilla, well-structured & complex, rich with smooth tannins & deeply flavored

a luscious pure pleasure. Black cherry, and tobacco notes burst into textured fruit flavors followed by spicy black pepper and well-defined beautiful finish.

an inviting bowl of plump & juicy sweet berries with a splash of shiraz. Exciting, off-dry and enjoyed at room temperature or chilled on a warm summer day

very elegant, fresh style, combines a subtle oak spice with tobacco, dark chocolate and a hint of autumn dry-leaf aromas in the background.

Well-structured with a velvety smooth palate and firm mature tannin. Serve with roast duck breast.

has both intensity and concentration. A wild berry core is enhanced with hints of chocolate and mossy earthiness. A mid-weight wine, slightly tart and not too heavy

will be here all week. Thank-you. Thank-You Very much!

knows your jealous because the voices are talking to him and not you.

wonders... What is the speed of dark?

has too much blood in his caffeine system.

has calculated that half of his Facebook friends are below average.

is being spontaneous... tomorrow.

is joining the army. He hears it's a great way to meet people. Then kill them.

wants to remind you that it's even worse then you think.

didn't say it was your fault... I'm just blaming you...

is going around telling people that you're really 46

Says touch your head. Touch your nose. NAME didn't say touch your nose.

is really tired of kidney stones

smells better than he tastes

often rambles on and on about this and that seeming to be heading towards a point but really just blabbing
about nothing.

has a clear conscience or was that a bad memory?

is modest and proud of it!

is boycotting shampoo and demanding real poo!

was reviewing your profile but couldn't turn the suck down!

is a vegetarian, not because he loves animals but because he hates plants!

wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.

better than Ezra

typing feverishly on his Blackberry pretending to do work but really updating his Facebook status

the guy who stole the frigg'n cookie from the cookie jar. Now shutup!

pleased to meet you. Hope you guessed my name.

being recalled by Fisher Price because he may contain traces of led paint

stomping his feet because he's happy and he knows it.

going..... and going..... and going..... and going....

sdrawkcab gnipyT

inviting you to play with his touchscreen.

secretly hoping the video he and Paris made last night is released on TMZ

lost in translation

writing a paper called "Sex and Pregnancy: A Possible Connection"

presenting his thesis on "E=MC3: That's Right, Einstein, I Said Cubed!"

being interviewed on his new novel "Sweet and Sour Pork: How Can It Be Both? At The Same Time?"

Gathering research for his essay, "Lincoln: The Man, The President, The Town Car"

Wondering if his new research grant will accept his thesis, "Whoops!: I Blew My $800,000 Research Grant At The
MGM Grand Casino"

Pondering the scientific evidence to support the claim "Kraft Macaroni & Cheese: So Cheesy, It Should Be Called 'Kraft Cheese & Macaroni'"

reviewing extensive analysis on the topic "There Sure Are A Lot of 'Smiths' In The Phone Book, Dude"

writing his final paper called "The Isotope Conjecture: A Fake Title So My Wife Won't Look Inside Here and See My Letters To Penthouse Forum"

a bit disappointed he didn't win the Nobel Prize as evidenced by his book "Why The People Who Award The Nobel Prize Are A Bunch Of Jerks"

doing scientific research on "Gravity: The Devil's Tool"

shaking it like a polaroid picture

shaken not stirred

brought to you by the letters W T F

raging against the machine!

taking his sugar with coffee and creme

currently out of his mind but please feel free to leave a message

the one that put a hole in the ozone layer

drinking in a box, NAME is drinking with a Fox, NAME will drink green beer and Rum, NAME will drink them till he's numb...
is the reason the chicken crossed the road

NAME is...

with your girlfriend.

filmed before a live stuido audience

trapped in the facebook status message textbox; send help!

not the droid you're looking for.

not your friend.

finding your lack of faith disturbing

sensing something; a presence he hasn't felt since...

better than you.

not for everyone. Clinical tests show that he may cause nausea, fatigue, and kidney or liver problems. Ask your doctor if he is right for you

gonna kick your rear end from here to Tienanmen Square.

made of meat. Your whole family is made of meat

a lumberjack and he's okay. He drinks all night and works all day

the second coming

the patron saint of quality footwear.

certain that in the topsy-turvy world of heavy rock, having a good solid piece of wood in your hand is often useful.

wondering how far is all the way, and then if it stops, what's stopping it, and what's behind what's stopping it? So, what's the end, you know, is my question.

thinking that as long as there's, you know, sex and drugs, he can do without the rock and roll.

sure he'd feel much worse if he weren't under such heavy sedation

raising a practical question at this point? Are we gonna do "Stonehenge" tomorrow?

a believer of everything he reads. It makes him a more selective person.

one louder. Isn't he?

saying love your brother. He's not literally saying it. He's not literally meaning it. But he's not a racist. That message should be clear anyways.

disappointed with the opening band. The crowd was still booing them when he went on stage.

sad his friend died in a bizarre gardening accident. Authorities said... best leave it... unsolved.

sure that they misunderestimated me!

adamant that if we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure!

on a mission because for every fatal shooting, there were roughly three non-fatal shootings and, folks, this is unacceptable in America!

positive that the human being and fish can coexist peacefully.

believing in what I believe — I believe what I believe is right.

not wanting to sound like I have made no mistakes. I'm confident I have. I'm not as quick on my feet as I should be in coming up with one.

just wanting you to know that, when we talk about war, we're really talking about peace.

letting you know, fool me once, shame on you. Fool me — you can't get fooled again!

aware that our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we.

agonizing that too many OB-GYNs aren't able to practice their love with women all across this country.
reminding you, teach a child to read, and he or her will be able to pass a literacy test

having the best day of my life, and I owe it all to not going to Church!

assuring you that it's not easy juggling a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to squeeze in 8 hours of Facebook a day.

going to miss you so much. And it's not just the sex. It's also the food preparation.

known for his motivational skills. Everyone always says they have to work twice as hard when I'm around!
sure that if there's one thing America needs, it's more lawyers.

, unlike most of you, not a nut!

in awe! Reading and writing actually paid off!