Funny Facebook Status Updates

really wishes she could but, I have to answer all of my "occupant" letters.

really wishes she could but, I changed the lock on my door and now I can't get out.

really wishes she could but, I'm attending a perfume convention as guest sniffer.

really wishes she could but, My yucca plant is feeling yucky.

really wishes she could but, I just picked up a book called Glue in Many Lands and I can't put it down.

really wishes she could but, I promised to help a friend fold road maps.

really wishes she could but, I have to rotate my crops.

feels ashamed of his smoking but it's better that I smoke this and let the dreams of the cigarette workers come true then to be selfish & worry about my lungs.

notices that when the best actors are chosen by other actors, it's called the Oscars. When the best actors are chosen by the people, it's called an election.

thinks that a day without sunshine is like night.

[your name] is sleeping because he’s not nocturnal.

[your name] is training to withstand sleep deprivation torture.

[your name] is wondering when they invented the word neologism… what did they call it?

[your name] is showing his colleagues your profile and they’re all laughing at your picture.

[your name] is just got back from his probation hearing.

[your name] has logically deduced, absolute knowledge corrupts absolutely, therefore he is giving up studying and sleeping

[your name] is presenting his thesis on “E=MC3: That’s Right, Einstein, I Said Cubed!”

[your name] is being interviewed on his new novel “Sweet and Sour Pork: How Can It Be Both? At The Same Time?”

[your name] is gathering research for his essay, “Lincoln: The Man, The President, The Town Car”

[your name] is wondering if his new research grant will accept his thesis, “Whoops!: I Blew My £800,000 Research Grant At The MGM Grand Casino”

[your name] is pondering the scientific evidence to support the claim “Kraft Macaroni & Cheese: So Cheesy, It Should Be Called ‘Kraft Cheese & Macaroni’”

[your name] is reviewing extensive analysis on the topic “There Sure Are A Lot of ‘Smiths’ In The Phone Book, Dude”

[your name] is a bit disappointed he didn’t win the Nobel Prize as evidenced by his book “Why The People Who Award The Nobel Prize Are A Bunch Of Jerks”

[your name] is doing scientific research on “Gravity: The Devil’s Tool”

[your name] is wondering why he must think of himself in the third-person to change his status.

[your name] is just now realizing he ran out of T.P.

[your name] is on furlough, sabbatical, hiatus, break.

[your name] is debating whether to take the blue pill or the red pill.

[your name] is the limit of x as it approaches perfection.

[your name] is the slope of the tangent line of the function f[x]=awesome.

[your name] is fighting the good fight.

[your name] is the stuff that dreams are made of

[your name] is Walking here

[your name] is in need of a bigger boat

[your name] is Frankly, not giving a damn.

[your name] is going to make hermit crabs live together

[your name] is an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, nestled in a sesame seed bun of mystery.

[your name] is learning to stop worrying and love the bomb.

[your name] is gunter glieben glauchen globen

[your name] is therefore he thinks Thanks

[YOUR NAME] understands that hard work has a future payoff but Laziness pays off now.

[YOUR NAME] thought he wanted a career, turns out I just wanted a pay-cheque

[YOUR NAME] is just working here until a good fast food job opens up....

[YOUR NAME] sees Chaos. Panic. Disorder. My work here is done

[YOUR NAME] pretends to work. They pretend to pay me.

[YOUR NAME] thinks ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

[YOUR NAME] thinks work is for people who don't know how to fish!

[YOUR NAME] just wants less to do, more time to do it, and higher pay for not getting it done.

[YOUR NAME] is thinking that this isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

[YOUR NAME]'s co-workers think he's a hard worker because they hear all this typing on Facebook!

[YOUR NAME] childproofed his house, but they still get in.

[YOUR NAME] is still hot. It just comes in flashes.

[YOUR NAME] thinks at her age, "getting lucky" means finding her car in the parking lot.

[YOUR NAME]'s reality cheque just bounced.

[YOUR NAME] says Buckle up. It makes it harder for the aliens to snatch you from your car.

[YOUR NAME] is not a snob. I'm just better than you are.

[YOUR NAME] says keep staring....I may do a trick.

[YOUR NAME] is DANGEROUSLY under-medicated.

[YOUR NAME] washes her mouth out with chocolate every time she hears the word "exercise".

Works for the department of redundant departments.

ask if you expect mere proof to sway his opinion?

wonders if you hear about the corduroy pillows? They're making headlines!

just found out that they took the word "gullible" out of the dictionary!

wonders if illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

reminds you to not play stupid with me! I'm better at it.

says don't read everything you believe.

says don't sweat petty things — or pet sweaty things.

pleads that you don't treat me any differently than you would the King.

is going to drink wet cement and get really stoned.

thinks that a clean house is a sign of a misspent life.

is going to have a day of firm decisions! Or am I?

thinks all the world's a stage. Too bad I missed rehearsal.

is going to borrow money from a pessimist. They don't expect to be paid back.

is proud to be modest!

says ask me about my vow of silence.

is living better through denial.

says blessed are they who go around in circles, for they shall be known as wheels.

is boldly going nowhere.

says cheer up, the worst is yet to come.

is cleverly disguised as a responsible adult.

couldn't myself have better it said.

hated it when old aunts used to come up to her at weddings, poke her in the ribs and cackle, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

Some people are like Slinkies - not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see them tumble down the stairs.

says "Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar!"

thinks its OK to beat up an old lady, if its at Costco, or if she really had it coming.

may kill you in the morning.

reminds you that when we resort to violence, nobody wins. Wait, that's wrong. I win...always!!! Got that! ALWAYS!!!!

thinks it's impossible to look at a baby penguin and not get angry!

Shut-up!

NAME...

was denied adoption of a baby boy from Malawi.

doesn't use big words when a diminutive one will suffice

will never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night again!

is reading his friends' statuses and adding 'in bed' to the end of each one.

is for external use only. See your doctor before administering.

will never put salt in my eye. never Put Salt in my eye. Put Salt in my eye. Always put salt in my eye.

didn't mean to accept your friend request. This is the last status you will read.

is only a test. If this were the real NAME, and not a test, you would have been informed.

never makes stupid mistakes ..... only very clever ones .....

gets drunk on one drink. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.

would like you to give him back that filet o' fish! Give me that fish!

really wishes she could but, I have to floss my cat.

really wishes she could but, I want to spend more time with my blender.

really wishes she could but, I'm teaching my ferret to yodel.

really wishes she could but, I swallowed my gold crown this morning, and I have to wait here until it comes out the other end.

really wishes she could but, My panty hose sprung a leak.

really wishes she could but, I have to stay home and wash my tongue.

really wishes she could but, I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products.

really wishes she could but, I'm getting my overalls overhauled.

really wishes she could but, My patent is pending.

really wishes she could but, I'm worried about my vertical hold.

really wishes she could but, I have to fulfill my potential.

really wishes she could but, I have some real hard words to look up in the dictionary.

really wishes she could but, I'm giving nuisance lessons at a convenience store.

really wishes she could but, I've got a Friends of Rutabaga meeting.

really wishes she could but, I have to answer all of my "occupant" letters.

really wishes she could but, I changed the lock on my door and now I can't get out.

really wishes she could but, I'm attending a perfume convention as guest sniffer.

really wishes she could but, My yucca plant is feeling yucky.

really wishes she could but, I just picked up a book called Glue in Many Lands and I can't put it down.

really wishes she could but, I promised to help a friend fold road maps.

really wishes she could but, I have to rotate my crops.

feels ashamed of his smoking but it's better that I smoke this and let the dreams of the cigarette workers come

true then to be selfish & worry about my lungs.

notices that when the best actors are chosen by other actors, it's called the Oscars. When the best actors are chosen by the people, it's called an election.

thinks that a day without sunshine is like night.