Sunday, 26 February 2012

Even More Facebook Status Updates


  • I decided to burn lots of calories today so I set a fat kid on fire!
  • I speak my mind. I never mind what I speak.
  • One day your prince will come. Mine just took a wrong turn, got lost and too stubborn to ask for directions.
  • When someone rings the doorbell, why do dogs always assume it’s for them?
  • My computer just beat me at chess…but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
  • I'm color blind and trying to solve a rubiks cube… This could take a while.
  • I slept like a baby last night…. Waking up every 3 hours crying for food.
  • I want to kill the sexiest person alive…But suicide’s a crime.
  • I'm very proud of myself, just finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said 2-4 years!
  • People say that love is in every corner……gosh! maybe i’m moving in circles....
  • Why is a newspaper ten times more interesting when somebody across the table is reading it?
  • Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.
  • WARNING: Objects in mirror are fatter than they appear.
  • ║▌║█║▌║▌││║▌║█║▌│║▌║█║▌║▌││║▌║ *ZAP* *BEEP* Price: $7.95
  • I think my girlfriend has had sixty-one boyfriends before me. She calls me her sixty second lover.
  • My wife said I’m too immature and if I don’t grow up it’s going to erect a barrier between us. Ha ha ha, erect.
  • If guys had periods, they’d brag about the size of their tampons.
  • Make love, not war. Hell, do both. Get married.
  • Marriage is a sort of friendship recognized by the courts.
  • Statistically, 132% of all people exaggerate.
  • Statistically 5/4 of people have trouble with fractions.
  • If only my life came with a ◄◄ REW ► PLAY ▌▌PAUSE █▌STOP
  • Scratch here ▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒ to reveal today’s status.
  • Some people come into our lives & leave footprints on our hearts. Others come into our lives & make us wanna leave footprints on their face.
  • The only place you find success before work is in the dictionary.
  • Boys are like baby diapers when they get to be filled with shit they are thrown to be replaced.
  • I've yet to meet a woman who got pregnant from swallowing.
  • Cut here —————–✄———————
  • Me and my wife are inseparable. Sometimes, it takes three or four people to pull us apart.
  • People who write diet books live off the fat of the land.
  • Dance like no one’s going to put it on YouTube.
  • Doctors waiting room needs some music. And better lighting. And more women. And a pole in the middle of the room. And a buffet.
  • Best friends listen to what you dont say.
  • Just wanted to let you know that you are my BFBFF… Best Facebook Friend Forever...
  • So many stupid people, and so few asteroids.
  • Facebook is the compost heap for my brain.
  • Yes, I know how to shut up. I just don’t know when.
  • You miss 100 percent of the shots u never take.
  • Me and the gummy bears have a plot to rule the world but shhhhh its a secret.
  • I use to be great at wordplay. Once a pun a time.
  • Sometimes, late at night, I rearrange traffic signs. People need to be challenged.
  • I guess if you spoke your mind, you’d be speechless, huh?
  • Alcohol does NOT make you fat…it makes you lean…against tables,chairs,walls, floors and ….Ugly people!!!
  • What has two ears and cant hear? —————–.> GRANDPA
  • I’m not a racer….But i can fly.
  • I thinks my neighbor just caught me stealing his Wi-Fi internet.
  • Teaching your own mother how to use Facebook is like willingly signing your own death warrant.
  • Sat here wondering why Facebook bothers to give the option of “liking” my own comment? Of course I like my own comments. I’m awesome!

  • Every day, man is making bigger and better fool-proof things, and every day, nature is making bigger and better fools. So far, I think nature is winning.
  • I swear my pillow could be a hairstylist I always wake up with the weirdest hairdos.
  • Just received a coupon in the mail: Buy one sock, get one FREE! While socks last.
  • If you tell your boss what you really think of him, the truth will set you free.
  • Smile, it’s the second best thing you can do with your lips.
  • Oh I’m sorry! i didn’t realise you were giving me a dirty look…i just thought you were ugly like that all the time!!
  • I want to merge MySpace, Facebook, YouTube and Twitter and call it: MY FACE YOU TWIT.
  • Don’t look at me in that tone of voice.
  • Is anyone going to put anything funny on here?????
  • If women ruled the world there would be no wars. Just a bunch of jealous countries not talking to each other.
  • I married my wife for her looks. But not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
  • A guy knocked on my door today asking for a donation for the local primary school’s pool. I went away and came back with a cup of water….. Is that wrong?
  • All men are born free and equal. If they go and get married, that’s their own fault.
  • Trying to think of clever things to say after inhaling from a helium balloon.
  • Forcing my dog to learn how to Google.
  • Got out of jury duty by prefacing every answer with “according to the prophecy”
  • Loading ████████████ 99%
  • Dont you find it funny that after Monday(M) and Tuesday(T), the rest of the week says WTF?
  • X went to the book store earlier to buy a ‘Where’s Wally’ book. When I got there, I couldn’t find the book anywhere. Well played Wally, well played.
  • I’ve always wondered if film directors wake up screaming “CUT! CUT! CUUUUUT!” when they have nightmares.
  • never judges a book by its cover. She uses the paragraph on the back, it tells you what the story is about.
  • a day late and a dollar short.
  • Insert coin to view my status message.
  • If somebody offers you a lifetime supply of candy and there is just one piece, don’t eat it: It’s probably poison.
  • We have so much in common. You want to travel, I want you to go.
  • Remembers the day when blackberry and apple were just fruit.